Bamboo：Autistic — Apeace Voice

老子《道德經》通行版第17–40章Chapters 17–40 of Tao Te Ching.mp3

帶Andrew唸老子道德經,1-16章(For Andrew’s Recitation, following classic scholarly translations with readability optimized).mp3

《老子》（道德经）第一章至第十六章繁体原文
第一章
道可道，非常道。名可名，非常名。
無名，天地之始；有名，萬物之母。
故常無，欲以觀其妙；常有，欲以觀其徼。
此兩者，同出而異名，同謂之玄。玄之又玄，眾妙之門。
第二章
天下皆知美之為美，斯惡已；皆知善之為善，斯不善已。
有無相生，難易相成，長短相形，高下相傾，音聲相和，前後相隨。
是以聖人處無為之事，行不言之教；萬物作焉而不辭，生而不有，為而不恃，功成而不居。夫唯弗居，是以不去。
第三章
不尚賢，使民不爭；不貴難得之貨，使民不為盜；不見可欲，使民心不亂。
是以聖人之治，虛其心，實其腹，弱其志，強其骨。
常使民無知無欲，使夫智者不敢為也。為無為，則無不治。
第四章
道沖，而用之或不盈。淵兮，似萬物之宗；挫其銳，解其紛，和其光，同其塵。
湛兮，似或存。吾不知誰之子，象帝之先。
第五章
天地不仁，以萬物為芻狗；聖人不仁，以百姓為芻狗。
天地之間，其猶橐龠乎？虛而不屈，動而愈出。
多言數窮，不如守中。
第六章
谷神不死，是謂玄牝。玄牝之門，是謂天地根。
綿綿若存，用之不勤。
第七章
天長地久。天地所以能長且久者，以其不自生，故能長生。
是以聖人後其身而身先，外其身而身存。
非以其無私邪？故能成其私。
第八章
上善若水。水善利萬物而不爭，處眾人之所惡，故幾於道。
居善地，心善淵，與善仁，言善信，正善治，事善能，動善時。
夫唯不爭，故無尤。
第九章
持而盈之，不如其已；揣而銳之，不可長保。
金玉滿堂，莫之能守；富貴而驕，自遺其咎。
功遂身退，天之道也。
第十章
載營魄抱一，能無離乎？專氣致柔，能如嬰兒乎？
滌除玄覽，能無疵乎？愛民治國，能無為乎？
天門開闔，能為雌乎？明白四達，能無知乎？
生之畜之，生而不有，為而不恃，長而不宰，是謂玄德。
第十一章
三十輻共一轂，當其無，有車之用。
埏埴以為器，當其無，有器之用。
鑿戶牖以為室，當其無，有室之用。
故有之以為利，無之以為用。
第十二章
五色令人目盲；五音令人耳聾；五味令人口爽；馳騁畋獵，令人心發狂；難得之貨，令人行妨。
是以聖人為腹不為目，故去彼取此。
第十三章
寵辱若驚，貴大患若身。
何謂寵辱若驚？寵為上，辱為下，得之若驚，失之若驚，是謂寵辱若驚。
何謂貴大患若身？吾所以有大患者，為吾有身，及吾無身，吾有何患？
故貴以身為天下，若可寄天下；愛以身為天下，若可託天下。
第十四章
視之不見，名曰夷；聽之不聞，名曰希；搏之不得，名曰微。此三者不可致詰，故混而為一。
其上不皦，其下不昧。繩繩不可名，復歸於無物。是謂無狀之狀，無物之象，是謂惚恍。
迎之不見其首，隨之不見其後。執古之道，以御今之有。能知古始，是謂道紀。
第十五章
古之善為道者，微妙玄通，深不可識。夫唯不可識，故強為之容。
豫兮若冬涉川，猶兮若畏四鄰，儼兮其若客，渙兮若冰之將釋，敦兮其若樸，曠兮其若谷，渾兮其若濁。
孰能濁以靜之徐清？孰能安以動之徐生？保此道者不欲盈。夫唯不盈，故能蔽而新成。
第十六章
致虛極，守靜篤。
萬物並作，吾以觀復。
夫物芸芸，各復歸其根。歸根曰靜，是謂復命。復命曰常，知常曰明。不知常，妄作凶。
知常容，容乃公，公乃全，全乃天，天乃道，道乃久，沒身不殆。
English Translation of Lao Tzu's Tao Te Ching (Chapters 1-16)
Chapter 1
The Tao that can be told is not the eternal Tao;
The name that can be named is not the eternal name.
The Nameless is the origin of Heaven and Earth;
The Named is the mother of all things.
Therefore, let there always be non-being, so we may see its subtlety;
Let there always be being, so we may see its manifestations.
These two are the same,
But differ in name; together they are called profound.
Profound and more profound,
The gateway to all wonders.
Chapter 2
When the whole world recognizes beauty as beauty, ugliness arises;
When all recognize goodness as goodness, evil emerges.
Being and non-being generate each other;
Difficulty and ease complement each other;
Long and short contrast each other;
High and low incline toward each other;
Sound and voice harmonize with each other;
Front and back follow each other.
Thus, the sage acts without striving,
Teaches without words;
All things arise without his interference,
He gives birth yet claims no ownership,
Achieves yet takes no credit,
Completes his work yet does not dwell on it.
Because he does not dwell on it, it never leaves him.
Chapter 3
Do not exalt the virtuous, so the people will not compete;
Do not value rare treasures, so the people will not steal;
Do not display desirable things, so the people's hearts will not be disturbed.
Thus, the sage governs by:
Emptying their minds, filling their bellies,
Weakening their ambitions, strengthening their bones.
He always keeps the people ignorant and desireless,
So that the wise dare not act.
By acting without striving, everything is governed.
Chapter 4
The Tao is empty yet inexhaustible;
Deep, it is like the ancestor of all things.
Blunt its sharpness, untie its tangles,
Harmonize its light, merge with its dust.
Clear and calm, it seems to exist yet not.
I know not whose child it is—
It precedes the Supreme Ancestor.
Chapter 5
Heaven and Earth are impartial;
They treat all things as straw dogs.
The sage is impartial;
He treats all people as straw dogs.
Between Heaven and Earth, is it not like a bellows?
Empty yet not depleted,
The more it moves, the more it yields.
Excessive words lead to exhaustion;
Better to keep to the mean.
Chapter 6
The Valley Spirit is eternal and inexhaustible—
This is called the Mysterious Female.
The gateway of the Mysterious Female,
This is called the root of Heaven and Earth.
Continuously flowing, seemingly present,
Its use is never exhausted.
Chapter 7
Heaven is long-lasting, Earth is enduring.
The reason Heaven and Earth can be long and enduring
Is that they do not exist for themselves;
Thus, they can endure forever.
Thus, the sage puts himself last yet comes first,
Abandons himself yet survives.
Is it not because he is selfless
That he can fulfill his own interests?
Chapter 8
The highest good is like water.
Water benefits all things without competing,
Dwelling in places that all people disdain—
Thus, it is close to the Tao.
It dwells in good places,
Its heart is deep like a valley,
Its kindness is benevolent,
Its words are trustworthy,
Its governance is orderly,
Its deeds are capable,
Its actions are timely.
Because it does not compete,
It has no faults.
Chapter 9
Holding it full, better to stop;
Sharpening it to a point, it cannot be kept for long.
A hall filled with gold and jade cannot be guarded;
Wealth and honor accompanied by arrogance bring disaster.
When merit is achieved, withdraw—
This is the way of Heaven.
Chapter 10
Embracing the soul and uniting with the One, can you not be separated?
Concentrating qi to attain softness, can you be like an infant?
Purifying the mysterious mirror, can you be free of blemishes?
Loving the people and governing the state, can you act without striving?
Opening and closing the heavenly gate, can you be receptive (feminine)?
Understanding all directions, can you be without knowledge?
Give birth and nourish,
Give birth yet not own,
Achieve yet not boast,
Nurture yet not dominate—
This is called the Mysterious Virtue.
Chapter 11
Thirty spokes converge on a hub;
It is the emptiness within that makes the cart useful.
Clay is shaped into vessels;
It is the emptiness within that makes the vessel useful.
Doors and windows are cut into a room;
It is the emptiness within that makes the room useful.
Thus, what is present gives benefit,
But what is empty gives utility.
Chapter 12
Five colors blind the eyes;
Five sounds deafen the ears;
Five tastes dull the palate;
Racing and hunting drive the heart wild;
Rare treasures hinder virtuous conduct.
Thus, the sage seeks to satisfy the belly rather than indulge the eyes—
He abandons the latter and chooses the former.
Chapter 13
Favor and disgrace cause alarm;
Valuing great troubles as one values one's body.
What does it mean to be alarmed by favor and disgrace?
Favor is a high honor, disgrace is a low humiliation.
Gaining it causes alarm, losing it causes alarm—
This is being alarmed by favor and disgrace.
What does it mean to value great troubles as one's body?
The reason I have great troubles is that I have a body.
If I had no body, what troubles would I have?
Thus, those who value their body for the sake of the world
Can be entrusted with the world;
Those who love their body for the sake of the world
Can be entrusted with the world.
Chapter 14
What cannot be seen is called "invisible";
What cannot be heard is called "inaudible";
What cannot be grasped is called "intangible."
These three cannot be scrutinized,
Thus, they merge into one.
Its top is not bright, its bottom is not dark;
Continuous yet unnamable,
It returns to nothingness.
This is called the formless form, the imageless image—
It is called indistinct.
Meeting it, you cannot see its head;
Following it, you cannot see its tail.
Grasp the ancient Tao to govern the present;
To know the ancient origin is called the thread of the Tao.
Chapter 15
Those who were good at practicing the Tao in ancient times
Were subtle, profound, and unfathomable.
Because they are unfathomable,
We can only describe them indirectly:
Cautious, like crossing a river in winter;
Hesitant, like fearing neighbors on all sides;
Dignified, like being a guest;
Relaxed, like ice about to melt;
Sincere, like uncarved wood;
Open, like a valley;
Mixed, like turbid water.
Who can make turbid water clear by calming it?
Who can bring life to stillness by stirring it gently?
Those who uphold the Tao do not seek fullness.
Because they are not full,
They can be renewed even after being worn.
Chapter 16
Attain extreme emptiness, uphold unwavering calm.
All things flourish, yet I observe their return.
All creatures thrive,
Each returning to its root.
Returning to the root is called calm;
Calm is called renewal of life;
Renewal of life is called constancy;
Knowing constancy is called enlightenment.
Not knowing constancy leads to reckless actions and disaster.
Knowing constancy brings tolerance;
Tolerance brings impartiality;
Impartiality brings completeness;
Completeness brings harmony with nature;
Harmony with nature brings alignment with the Tao;
Alignment with the Tao brings longevity—
Throughout life, no danger.

《折翼天使與平凡母親：在缺憾中遇見幸福》- English: ”Broken-Winged Angel and an Ordinary Mother: Finding Happiness in Imperfection”.mp3

早上第一次錄一段跟兒子無直接關係的播客，但我覺得也不完全無關啦，因為我就是他的媽媽呀！母子之間的關係最為緊密，我的想法、情緒、經歷一定會影響他的。
坦白說，最近我覺得陪伴Andrew還不夠，昨天他跟居服員大哥哥出去逛了。昨天是聖誕節，每年這一天我都會想，這一年有哪些曾經照顧我的人，然後想送他們一份心意——也許是一句問候、一個訊息，有機會的話就準備些具體的禮物，沒有絕對標準，全看當時的狀態。
手邊還有花草材料，我就煮了一大鍋桂花烏梅洛神養生茶，加了點甜橘葉，避免額外加糖。因為煮得多，放涼裝了一瓶，想送給多年前照顧我們的讀經班老師，他教讀經應該有30年以上了。我們家孩子那麼特別，他都毫無條件、不收任何費用就接收了，就算只有一兩個家庭的孩子，也照樣開班，他的精神真的讓我很感動。
我找到幾年前錄的古文相關播客，是在Himalayan podcast做的「陪小孩至樂讀古文」專欄，專門陪孩子讀古文的，然後把音源傳給了老師，他很高興。當時錄的時候沒想到要傳給他，也不確定能不能分享，畢竟只是透過紀錄單純讀經與和孩子互動的紀錄，還錄到小兒子兒時偶爾的插話，沒想到他會這麼感動。
另外一份禮物送給樓下的孫師傅，他無條件讓我兒子隨時去開他送貨小貨車的門，就連下大雨也不例外，就算車門因此淋濕，他寧可拿抹布擦，也堅持要讓孩子去開。我後來才領悟，他是想讓我兒子有一個可以安心開啟的車門，一個安全的小空間。這兩位都是虔誠的基督徒，我很感謝他們。他讓我見識到全世界最好的鄰居。
我很少有時間陪小兒子，大部分時間回家後，不是吃晚餐、整理餐後雜物，就是忙各種瑣事，忙完就該睡了。如果還有點時間，我會念古文給大兒子聽、陪他說說話，但大多很匆促。睡前我會幫大兒子擦藥，他的手腳都被自己摳出很多類似紅豆冰的疹子，擦完藥再念一會兒古文，差不多就到就寢時間了。他總希望我陪他睡一下，這樣他會比較安心，等他睡熟後，我再回到自己的房間，大概就是這樣。
補充一下，昨天剛好有位居服員大哥哥帶我兒子出去溜躂一週2小時，我就把恩人地址給了他，拜託他幫我送這兩份祝福，準備了一些炒花生和桂花洛神烏梅茶讓他帶Andrew去送，算是聊表敬意。沒想到一不小心把新買的好鍋炒壞了，但花生真的挺好吃的。我還細心地把每顆花生的外殼都剝掉了，想嘗試看看剝殼後的口感是不是更細膩，當然不剝殼也有另一種風味，做法不太一樣。總之，能透過居服員大哥哥送出對老師的感恩、對鄰居的回饋，是我人生中非常美好、非常幸福的事。
我突然想到，好幾年前在網上看到台積電的領導者張忠謀說過，人生不如意之事十之八九，所以我們要常想一二，多回想那些如意的事。他還說，不要把福報獨享，要把擁有的福報分享給別人，做人不必追求完美，自己要有一點缺陷（口），讓福氣可以流向別人。
回想這番話很有力量，我覺得不論是家庭、人生，還是個人的能力與處境，都不必太完美。正因為自己不夠完美，我們才有底氣告訴別人「我們也可以好好生活」。如果太完美，人家會覺得你天生與眾不同，很難信服或領悟你所說的話。
我的生活中，正因為孩子的狀況，以及自己在思維、處事上的一些缺陷，讓我在遇到貴人、好老師時，更能體會他們的指引。有些道理多年參悟不透，直到某天貴人一句提點、一次自然的能量交換，就突然懂了。我慢慢領悟到，不自私、願意給予，才能成為真正有福的人；在還沒有福報之前，要多做有福報的人願意做的事，久而久之，我們的福報也會慢慢變多。這些都是我花了好多年才體會到的。
而最大的福報原來不是金錢，而是心裡小小的平安。有一天我走在路上，遇到隔壁教室特教班的小孩，她看到我就微笑着喊「xx媽媽好」。我的兒子曾經和他同班，現在都畢業了。我告訴他「她是特教班最有禮貌、最可愛的孩子」，她就一直傻傻地看着我笑，看了大概超過兩分鐘，我也跟着她笑。後來她想了很久，對我說「xx媽媽，我愛你」。
聽到這句話，我心裡很有感觸，問她「我可以抱你嗎？」她點點頭，我就緊緊抱住了這個特教班的小女孩。我跟她說「謝謝，妳真的非常可愛，妳是特教班上、世界上最可愛的小孩」，然後我們互相道別。雖然嘴角帶着微笑離開，但我的心裡感動得發顫，很想流淚。一個特教班的小女孩，能這麼天真、無邪、至誠地對一個路上遇到的阿姨給出這麼誠摯的祝福，帶來這麼震撼的快樂，這份纯粹的愛，很少有人能做到這樣。我相信這樣的愛是可以學來的，總有一天，我們也能在合適的時候，勇敢地把這份幸福送給另一個值得的人，只不過這種事向來可遇不可求。
我還想補充一下對大兒子的一些歉疚。他後來被診斷出重度自閉症，但我並沒有因為「生下他導致他患病」這件事而自責，因為我直覺他刚出生時是健康完好的。至於是否和預防針後的變化有關，這只是我和先生的猜測，沒有實際證據，也無法追究，所以我不想做無謂的探究和自責。
很多媽媽可能會因為孩子有自閉症而歉疚，但我並沒有。懷孕期間，沒有足夠的人幫忙，我還同時接了三份工作，身為人妻、人媳，不論上班還是回家，日子都不輕鬆，每天面對電腦的時間很長。我做事沒有規律，想到要做的就全力以赴做完，不想做就擱着，從不考慮是否該睡覺、該休息，也沒有規劃工作時長的概念。我有點工作狂傾向，加上做事效率不高，往往要比別人花更多時間，當時完全沒有意識到自己是孕婦，不能長時間用電腦，也很少去醫院檢查，甚至對「人會生病」沒什麼概念。好在孩子如期順利自然產，並沒有讓我受苦，所以我不認為懷孕過程中對他有什麼虧欠，就算有，事已至此，也不必過度執著。
但我確實有自責的地方，就是在和兒子互動時，有時對他太殘忍了。比如因為他屢教不聽，我會對他咆哮。他有自閉症，沒有物權觀念，有時在便利商店看到喜歡的巧克力，就随手剝開吃，我習慣在旁邊幫他付錢，及時處理他的不當行為，也會責備他不應該這樣，但他動作很快，常常一手被我牽着，另一手就拿起東西咬。
有一次我們走在路上，他突然不見了，我嚇壞了，後來在一家雜貨店找到他，他已經打開一支冰棒在吃了。我幫他付了錢，但老闆看起來很生氣，這讓我覺得自己是個沒管教好孩子的媽媽，甚至覺得兒子的行為和偷竊沒兩樣。後來我才想到，他是自閉症兒童，缺乏行為能力，而我沒看好他，讓他離開身邊一分鐘，本身也有疏忽。我可以教訓他，但當時卻因為在意老闆的眼光，對他破口大罵：「你怎麼可以偷人家東西？怎麼可以從媽媽身邊跑掉？」付完錢後，我把他吃了一半的冰棒還給店員，說「這個你可以扔掉」——雖然付了費，但我不願意讓他因為不對的行為得到想要的東西。之後我氣得往前跑，他那時才小學一二年級，在後面拼命追我，我有點任性，故意跑得更遠，雖然有偷偷看他還在追，但就是不願停下，在馬路上跑了很久。後來我跑累了停下，看到他氣喘吁吁地跑到我身邊，腳上還有吐的穢物，才意識到他因為驚嚇、恐懼和焦慮，把之前吃的東西都吐在腳上了，那一刻我才覺得自己真的很殘忍。
還有一次，他總是跑到樓下美廉社把米袋撕開，不僅讓我非常生氣，店員和店長也對我們父母頗有微詞，這讓我覺得自己沒有盡到為人母的責任，沒有把他教好。有一次他又用嘴巴咬破米袋，我實在忍無可忍，把他帶回家後，用手在他身上亂打一通，打到我自己的手都痛了，不知道他會不會痛，有些孩子曾說被我打不痛，但我當時真的很生氣。
更讓我自責的是，有一年他生日，我沒有任何表示，甚至沒對他說「生日快樂」。因為我自己的生日也很少有人記得，先生家裡只會為公婆慶生，我有時會主動說「今天是我生日」，然後自己做蛋糕慶祝，家人再陪我一起過，但那時我還不會做蛋糕，又剛好因為他撕米的事在氣頭上，就故意忽視了他的生日。
後來我發現，他在特教班裡其實算是乖的，雖然也有執著或調皮的行為，但個性相當溫和。班上有些自閉症同學情緒不穩定，有暴力傾向，生氣時會摔東西、攻擊別人，但他們的媽媽依舊非常疼愛他們。就連一些外籍勞工的孩子，生日時媽媽也會買很大的蛋糕，準備很多禮物送給班上同學，請老師幫孩子慶生。
我向來比較遲鈍、粗心，直到看到這些畫面，才突然覺悟：不論我的孩子怎麼樣，他都是我身上掉下来的一塊肉。我們不一定要模仿別人把生日辦得多隆重，但至少在這一天，我應該告訴他「謝謝你來到我身邊，謝謝你做我的孩子，謝謝你陪伴我走過那麼多不懂事的日子」。我從一個不懂事的女孩，變成一個不懂事的媽媽，後來透過不斷學習，才慢慢變得稍微懂事一點，但依舊有很多地方需要改進。如果沒有他，我很難有機會成長；如果沒有先生像老師、教練一樣不斷引導我，我也很難從一個不懂事的妻子、媳婦，慢慢變得略懂分寸。這一切，都來自於看似並不圓滿的人生。
別人也許會覺得我手上的人生牌並不算好，但我有一個堅強的後盾——我的父母。他們是平凡的普通人，或許並不是所有事情都做得完美，但他們給我的愛是真實無偽的。他們教我如何去愛，如何尊敬、恭敬老師，所以我永遠能遇到最好的老師。也許這些老師也是很多人的老師，但在我心裡，他們就是全世界最棒的，因為他們對我的恩情，我會一輩子銘記。
正因為生活中有這麼多不完美，我才能不斷進步，成為更好的人。我並不覺得自己現在已經很優秀了，因為永遠有前輩、老師走在我前面，讓我看到自己的不足。很幸運的是，我遇到了上敬下空的老法師，他給了我很多教導和啟發，直到最近我才慢慢體悟其中的深意。
我對兒子有很多虧欠：不夠包容他、不夠愛他、不夠有耐心，有時甚至在大街上像潑婦一樣對他狂罵。我還記得有一次，他衝進一家米店，抱了一袋米撒出來玩。我為了制止他，衝過去抱住他，他雖然年紀小，但力氣不小。我也很瘦小，就整個人躺在他身上，而他躺在米店門前的地上，我用全身的力量壓住他和那袋米，活像一個趴在路邊、壓在兒子和米袋上的媽媽，現在想起來真的好狼狽，哈哈哈。後來終於制止了他，老闆是一位大概七十幾歲的老婆婆，很尷尬地出來看這件事，我把米袋還給老闆，並做了相應的賠償。後來這家米店關門了，我不知道是不是被我兒子嚇到，雖然我這樣笑有點過分，但我相信米店關門一定還有其他原因。
剛才不小心按到兩次暫停，錄音中斷了，希望沒有漏掉太多精彩的部分。我想講的差不多就是這些，很隨性，我儘量做到一天錄一段播客，說話可能有些斷續、不太清楚，希望以後能越說越清楚、越來越勇敢。我還加了一個小小的麥克風耳麥，就是想真真實實地表達自己，分享我和孩子之間曾經的一切，以及我曾經對他的虧欠。現在我要把這些自責收起來，轉化為對未來的祝福。
雖然他現在手腳還是滿是類似紅豆冰的疹子，還是不太會說話，但我真心祝福全世界和我兒子一樣的自閉症孩子，不論是重度、輕度，還是極重度，還有更多像折翼天使一樣的孩子，都能得到宇宙最真誠的祝福，和我的孩子一起慢慢變好。就算他沒有真的「好起來」，也希望陪伴他的家人心情能越來越好。我真誠地相信，在不久的將來，他一定會越來越好——他的好，不一定是擺脫自閉症，而是即使带着自閉症，也能領悟其中的祝福，過上非常好、甚至比普通人更好的人生。也用這份祝福，祝福全世界所有自閉症孩子，謝謝大家。
This morning, I recorded a podcast that isn’t directly about my son for the first time—but I don’t think it’s entirely unrelated, because I’m his mother! The bond between a mother and son is the closest; my thoughts, emotions, and experiences will definitely affect him.
To be honest, I feel like I haven’t spent enough time with Andrew lately. Yesterday, he went out with an elder brother. It was Christmas, and every year on this day, I think about all the people who have taken care of me over the past year, then want to send them a token of my gratitude—maybe a greeting, a message, or if I get the chance, some concrete gift. There’s no absolute standard; it all depends on my state at the time.
I had some ingredients on hand, so I boiled a large pot of osmanthus, dark plum, and roselle health tea, adding a few sweet oranges and trying to avoid extra sugar. Since I made so much, I bottled some to give to the classic Chinese study class teacher who took care of us many years ago. He has been teaching classic Chinese for over 30 years. Our child is quite special, yet he accepted him unconditionally without charging any fees—even if only one or two families signed up, he still held the class. His spirit truly touched me.
I found a podcast about classic Chinese that I recorded a few years ago—it’s a concept similar to "Joyful Classic Chinese Reading with Kids" on Himalaya, dedicated to reading classic texts with children. I sent him the audio file, and he was very happy. I never thought to share it with him when I recorded it, nor was I sure if it was appropriate. After all, it’s just a record of reading classics and interacting with my child, and it even includes occasional interjections from my younger son. I never expected him to be so moved.
Another gift went to Master Sun downstairs. He unconditionally lets my son open the door of his delivery van anytime, even on heavy rainy days. Even if the door gets soaked as a result, he’d rather wipe it down with a cloth than stop my son. Later, I realized he wanted my son to have a door he could open safely—a secure little space. Both of these men are devout Christians, and I’m deeply grateful to them.
I rarely have time to spend with my younger son. Most days when I get home, I’m either eating dinner, cleaning up after dinner, or dealing with various chores. By the time I’m done, it’s time to sleep. If I have a little extra time, I’ll read classic Chinese to my older son or chat with him, but it’s usually very rushed. Before bed, I apply medicine to my older son’s hands and feet—he’s scratched them so much that they’re covered in rash-like bumps, similar to red bean ice. After applying the medicine and reading a bit more, it’s almost bedtime. He always wants me to stay with him until he falls asleep; it makes him feel more at ease. Once he’s sound asleep, I go back to my own room. That’s roughly how my days go.
To add: Yesterday, coincidentally, an elder brother named Ju Fuyuan took my son out for a walk. I gave him the addresses and asked him to help deliver these two blessings, along with some fried peanuts as a small token of my gratitude. Unexpectedly, I accidentally ruined my new good pot while frying the peanuts, but they turned out really delicious. I also carefully peeled the shell off each peanut, wanting to see if the texture would be smoother without it. Of course, unpeeled peanuts have their own flavor too—different preparation methods, different tastes. Anyway, being able to send my gratitude to the teacher and repay the neighbor through Brother Ju Fuyuan was one of the most beautiful and joyful moments of my life.
I suddenly remembered something Zhang Zhongmou, the leader of TSMC, said online many years ago: "Nine out of ten things in life don’t go as we wish, so we should always think about the one or two that do." He also said we shouldn’t keep blessings to ourselves; instead, we should share what we have with others. We don’t need to pursue perfection—having a few flaws is okay.
Reflecting on these words, I feel that neither family, life, nor personal abilities and circumstances need to be perfect. Precisely because we’re not perfect, we have the confidence to tell others, "We can still live well." If we were too perfect, people would think we’re inherently different from them, making it hard for them to trust or understand what we say.
In my life, it’s precisely because of my child’s condition and my own flaws in thinking and handling things that I can better appreciate the guidance of kind people and good teachers. There are truths I struggled to understand for years, but one day, a casual reminder from a mentor or a natural exchange of kindness suddenly made everything clear. I’ve gradually realized that only by being unselfish and willing to give can we truly be blessed. Before we have many blessings, we should do what blessed people do. Over time, our own blessings will grow. These are lessons I’ve spent years learning.
And the greatest blessing of all isn’t money—it’s the small peace in our hearts. One day, as I was walking down the street, I met a child from the special education class next door. When she saw me, she smiled and said, "Hello, Auntie Angel." My son was once her classmate, and they’ve both graduated now. I told her, "You’re the most polite and lovely child in the special education class." She just stared at me and smiled—for more than two minutes, I think—and I smiled back at her. Then she thought for a long time and said something she’d never told me before: "Auntie Angel, I love you."
Hearing those words touched my heart deeply. I asked her, "Can I hug you?" She nodded, and I hugged the little special education student tightly. I said to her, "Thank you. You’re truly wonderful—the loveliest child in the world." Then we said goodbye. Although I left with a smile on my face, my heart was trembling with emotion, and I could barely hold back tears. For a little girl in special education to give such a sincere blessing and bring such overwhelming joy to a stranger she met on the street—this pure love is something very few people can offer. I believe this kind of love can be learned. One day, at the right moment, we too can bravely pass this happiness on to someone who deserves it. It’s just that such moments are always rare and unexpected.
I also want to add a few words about the regret I feel for my older son. He was later diagnosed with severe autism, but I’ve never blamed myself for "causing his illness by giving birth to him"—my intuition tells me he was healthy and perfect when he was born. As for whether it’s related to changes after vaccinations, that’s just a guess my husband and I have. There’s no real evidence, and there’s no way to investigate, so I don’t want to waste time on pointless speculation or self-blame.
Many mothers might spoil their children because of autism, but I didn’t. During my pregnancy, I didn’t have much help. I even took on three jobs at the same time. As a wife and daughter-in-law, life wasn’t easy—whether at work or at home, I spent long hours in front of the computer. I worked irregularly: when I thought of something to do, I’d throw myself into it and finish it; if I didn’t feel like it, I’d put it aside. I never considered whether I should sleep or rest, nor did I have any concept of planning my work hours. I’m a bit of a workaholic, and since I’m not very efficient, I often spent much more time on tasks than others. At the time, I didn’t realize I was pregnant and shouldn’t use the computer for so long. I rarely went for prenatal check-ups, and I didn’t even think much about the fact that people can get sick. Fortunately, my son was born on time via natural delivery, without causing me any suffering—unlike the cesarean section the doctor had planned. So I don’t think I did anything wrong during the pregnancy. Even if I did, it’s in the past, and there’s no point in dwelling on it.
But there are things I do feel guilty about—sometimes I was too cruel to my son when interacting with him. For example, I’d shout at him when he didn’t listen after repeated scoldings. He has autism and no sense of property rights. Sometimes, when we were in a convenience store, he’d see chocolate he liked and tear it open to eat right away. I was used to paying for it afterward since I was always by his side, dealing with his inappropriate behavior as quickly as possible. Of course, I’d scold him too, telling him he shouldn’t do that. But he was so fast—one hand in mine, the other grabbing and biting.
Once, we were walking down the street when he suddenly disappeared. I was terrified. When I finally found him, he was in a grocery store, already eating an ice pop he’d opened. I paid for it, but the shop owner looked very angry. That made me feel like a bad mother who couldn’t discipline her child—like my son’s actions were no different from stealing. Later, I realized he’s an autistic child with limited behavioral capacity, and I’d been negligent by letting him out of my sight for even a minute. I could have disciplined him, but instead, worried about the shop owner’s judgment, I shouted at him fiercely: "How could you steal someone’s things? How could you run away from Mom?" After paying, I gave the half-eaten ice pop back to the clerk and said, "You can throw this away." Even though I’d paid for it, I didn’t want him to get what he wanted through wrong behavior. Then I ran away in anger. He was only in first or second grade at the time, running desperately behind me. I was being willful, running even farther on purpose. I glanced back occasionally and saw he was still chasing me, but I didn’t stop. I ran a long way down the road. When I finally got tired and stopped, he ran up to me, gasping for breath. I noticed there was dirt and vomit on his feet. That’s when I realized he’d been so scared, frightened, and anxious from chasing me that he’d thrown up what he’d eaten earlier. At that moment, I felt truly cruel.
Another time, he kept running down to the local Mercuries supermarket and tearing open bags of rice. It made me so angry, and the clerks and store manager were also upset with my husband and me. I felt like I hadn’t fulfilled my responsibility as a mother—I hadn’t taught him right from wrong. Once, he bit open a bag of rice with his mouth. I’d had enough. I took him home and hit him randomly all over his body—so hard that my own hand hurt. I didn’t know if he felt any pain; some children have told me being hit by me doesn’t hurt, but I was really angry at the time.
What makes me feel even more guilty is that on his birthday one year, I didn’t do anything for him—not even say "Happy Birthday." Because few people remembered my own birthday either. In my husband’s family, we only celebrated his parents’ birthdays. Sometimes I’d be bold enough to say, "Today’s my birthday!" then make a cake for myself, and my family would celebrate with me. But back then, I didn’t know how to bake a cake, and I was still angry about him tearing open the rice bags, so I deliberately ignored his birthday.
Later, I realized he’s actually quite well-behaved in his special education class. Although he has some obsessive or naughty behaviors, he’s quite gentle by nature. Some other autistic children in his class have unstable tempers and violent tendencies—they’d throw things or attack others when angry—but their mothers still loved them deeply. Even the children of some foreign migrant workers would receive big cakes and many gifts from their mothers on their birthdays, who’d ask the teacher to hold a celebration for the class.
I’ve always been a bit slow and careless. It wasn’t until I saw these scenes that I suddenly realized: no matter what my child is like, he’s a part of me. We don’t have to copy how others celebrate birthdays on a grand scale, but at the very least, on his birthday, I should tell him: "Thank you for coming into my life, thank you for being my child, thank you for accompanying me through all those ignorant years." I went from being an immature girl to an immature mother. Through constant learning, I’ve slowly become a little more sensible—but there’s still so much I need to improve. Without him, I would never have had the chance to grow. Without my husband guiding me like a teacher and coach, I would never have gone from an immature wife and daughter-in-law to someone who’s somewhat considerate. All of this comes from a life that seems imperfect.
Others might think I was dealt a bad hand in life, but I have a strong support system—my parents. They’re ordinary people, and while they might not have done everything perfectly, the love they gave me is genuine and unquestionable. They taught me how to love, how to respect and honor teachers. That’s why I’ve always been blessed to meet the best teachers. These teachers might be mentors to many, but in my heart, they’re the greatest in the world—because of the kindness they showed me, which I’ll remember for the rest of my life.
It’s precisely because of all these imperfections in life that I’ve been able to grow into a better person. I don’t think I’m a great person yet, because there will always be elders and teachers ahead of me, showing me where I still need to improve. I’m lucky to have met Master Shangjingxiagong, who gave me a lot of guidance and inspiration—insights I’ve only slowly come to understand recently.
I have many regrets when it comes to my son: I wasn’t patient enough, I didn’t love him enough, I wasn’t tolerant enough. Sometimes I’d even shout at him like a shrew in the street. I still remember once, he rushed into a rice shop, grabbed a bag of rice, and poured it all out to play with. To stop him, I ran over and hugged him. He was small, but he was strong. I’m small too, so I ended up lying on top of him as he lay on the ground in front of the shop. I used all my strength to hold him down and keep the rice from spilling further—it was such a clumsy sight, a mother lying on the street atop her son and a bag of rice! Hahaha. Finally, I managed to stop him. The shop owner, an elderly lady in her seventies, came out looking embarrassed. I returned the rice bag to her and compensated her appropriately. Later, the rice shop closed down. I don’t know if it was because my son scared her—laughing about it now feels a bit inappropriate, but I’m sure there were other reasons for the closure.
I accidentally pressed pause twice while recording earlier because I got too excited. I hope I didn’t miss too many wonderful parts. That’s roughly all I wanted to say—it’s been quite casual. I’m trying to record a podcast every day. My words might be a bit disjointed and unclear at times, but I hope I’ll speak more clearly and bravely as time goes on. I even bought a small microphone headset. I just want to express my true self, to share everything that’s happened between me and my child, and all the regrets I have. Now, I want to let go of that guilt and turn it into blessings for the future.
Although he still has those red bean ice-like rashes all over his hands and feet, and although he still doesn’t speak much, I sincerely wish that all autistic children around the world—whether mild, moderate, or severe—and all other children like broken-winged angels, will receive the most sincere blessings from the universe. I hope they’ll grow and improve together with my son. Even if he never "recovers" from autism, I hope the families accompanying ...

耳麥初試錄音：兒子執著分期續談 臨沂治療行 英文Mic Test Recording: Further Talks on My Son’s Obsessive Phases – The Linyi Treatment Trip.mp3

大家好，這是我昨天剛入手的耳機麥克風，據說具備藍牙耳機功能，不過我還不太熟悉無線藍牙耳麥的用法，這款其實是有線的。這是我第一次嘗試用它錄製Podcast，希望能提高音量、優化音質，我感到相當興奮。
緣起於我要協助一座博物館建置Podcast，因相關資源尚未成型，便先以自己的Podcast練手；也因遇到貴人，讓我重拾這段荒蕪許久的創作旅程。能重新發揮聲音這項天賦，對我而言是人生美好的新開端——即便不確定這聲音能為世界留下多少價值，但能讓一項久未使用的能力重新運轉，真切感受到自己活著、開心著，就是件極美好的事。
接下來想延續上一集的內容，複習我自閉症兒子Andrew生命裡的幾個執著時期。如同畢加索的藍色時期、粉紅色時期等藝術階段，Andrew的成長也有屬於自己的標籤：最早是「玩米時期」，接著是熱愛開車門的「開車門時期」，後來又迷上抽線頭、把衣褲弄破，被我們笑稱「丐幫幫主時期」——畢竟家境普通，沒辦法頻繁更換新衣，他只能穿著破衣服去學校。
而今天要說的，是他的第四個，也是最近的「紅豆冰時期」。這個名字的由來，要從今年暑假全家帶他去山東臨沂的治療經歷說起。當時我們將失智多年的婆婆托付給大姑照顧，遠赴當地接受整合針灸的中西醫系統治療，療程包含針灸與現熬中藥。
這次的針灸體驗讓我們震驚不已。以往在台灣帶Andrew做頭部針灸，僅需插五六根針，卻要幾個人壓著他才能完成，過程中他總是聲嘶力竭。但臨沂的療程截然不同，醫生會從他的頭部、胸腹、背部到腳部滿身扎針，僅腳底因需走路而避開。我後來數過，每次療程結束拆針時，光剩下的針就有32根，期間他還會不小心弄掉或偷偷拔掉幾根。扎針30分鐘的過程中，每15分鐘還要轉動一次針頭加強刺激。
更讓我動容的是，其他孩子扎針時都哭得天崩地裂，Andrew卻全程沒有掉淚。後來從一位體驗扎針的媽媽口中得知，針灸其實又痛又酸、難以忍受，我才驚覺兒子有多勇敢。直到治療進行一個半月後，他才開始因疼痛哭泣、偶爾抗拒配合。我們聽從醫生囑咐，將療程控制在一個半月至兩個月，避免中藥與針灸的劑量過大，給身體足夠的排毒時間。
療程中還有一項輔助治療：肚臍藥片。這款圓形藥片需搭配黑色膏藥，貼在肚臍上數小時，我們通常趁Andrew睡覺時操作。但他醒著時總會忍不住把藥片摳下，連帶扯掉肚臍周圍的膠質與皮膚，讓肚臍變得像一朵被抓開的花。
這個摳抓的動作後來逐漸延伸，從肚臍擴散到手腳——只要身上出現蚊子包或小傷口，他就會不停摳挖，讓傷口反覆結痂、潰破。這些密密麻麻的暗紅色傷口，看起來就像撒滿了紅豆，這便是「紅豆冰時期」的由來。我身為藝術工作者，有時甚至會覺得，他這一身傷痕，宛如一場獨特的身體藝術創作。
對付這些傷口，我自製的紫雲膏可謂神藥。這款膏藥以紫草、當歸、黑麻油、甜杏仁油、蜜蠟、凡士林為基底，加入薄荷腦與精油熬製而成，擦在小傷口上癒合得特別快。可惜Andrew總是不等傷口痊癒就再次摳破，導致傷口反覆難愈，最後留下了一片片淺白色的疤痕。如今的他，帥氣的臉龐旁，是布滿「紅豆星辰」的手腳與肚皮。
除了針灸，Andrew每天還要接受半小時以上的全身按摩。按摩師從頭到腳細心揉捏，過程中不斷與他說話，這讓我體會到，肢體接觸與膚膚之親，是建立人與人之間信任的起點。此外，他還要做電艾灸治療——身上貼滿圓形膠布，手腳部位加熱，連接儀器治療半小時；樓上的老醫師也會透過按壓、針灸，鼓勵他練習發聲叫「爺爺」。
療程中還有一段讓我難忘的小插曲：Andrew咳嗽不止時，老醫師提議嘗試蜂針療法。看著醫生用鑷子夾住蜜蜂、折斷尾針扎在兒子身上，我忍不住落淚——我們並不希望為了治療傷害生命，但遠赴千里而來，實在不願錯過任何可能的機會。後來我偷偷請醫生儘量避免這項治療，即便效果再好，也不願以犧牲生命為代價。
這段時間，我為了錄製Podcast還投資了Casbox平台，從初始的一千多元創作功能，到後來因文稿過長升級付費，前前後後花了五千多元。但我覺得很值得，不僅負擔得起，更在創作中收穫了滿滿的快樂。我終於能擺脫束縛，做自己想做的事，以創作者的身份自由表達，甚至有餘力幫助他人——俗話說手心朝下給予是福，哪怕能幫助一隻螞蟻，都是難得的緣分。
其實我的Podcast並不追求高流量，它更像是我與兒子的治療日記。我希望有朝一日，這些內容能成為慰藉其他自閉症家庭的力量——讓那些在焦慮中與生命拔河的父母知道，他們並不孤單。我還有一個近乎不可能的夢想：盼著如今完全不會說話的Andrew，將來能站上大舞台，講述屬於自己的故事。而我能做的，就是認真記錄下這一路的點滴。
現在是清晨，Andrew已經醒了，我得準備帶他去搭校車上學，臨沂治療的其他細節，就留待下次再說。拜託大家，我現在講話還不敢太大聲，怕打擾到熟睡的家人與鄰居，能這樣靜靜分享，對我來說已是莫大的幸福。拜拜！
 
Mic Test Recording: My Son’s "Red Bean Ice Era" and the Treatment Journey in Linyi
Hello everyone. This is the headphone microphone I just got yesterday. It’s said to have Bluetooth functionality, though I’m still not quite familiar with how wireless Bluetooth headsets work—turns out this one is actually wired. This is my first time trying to record a podcast with it, and I’m quite excited, hoping it will boost the volume and improve the sound quality.
It all started because I’m helping a museum launch its podcast. Since the relevant resources are still in the works, I decided to practice with my own podcast first. Thanks to a kind benefactor, I’ve rekindled this long-abandoned creative journey. Being able to tap into this gift of voice again marks a beautiful new beginning in my life. Even if I’m not sure how much value this voice will leave in the world, just feeling this long-dormant ability come alive again, truly sensing that I am living and happy, is an incredibly wonderful thing.
Next, I’d like to continue from where we left off last episode and revisit the several obsessive phases in the life of my autistic son, Andrew. Much like Picasso’s artistic periods—the Blue Period, the Rose Period, and so on—Andrew’s growth has its own distinct labels. First came the "Rice-Playing Era," followed by the "Door-Opening Era" when he was obsessed with opening car doors. Later, he developed a fascination with picking loose threads and tearing his clothes, earning him the playful nickname of the "Gang Master Era." After all, our family is not well-off; we couldn’t afford to replace his clothes frequently, so he had to go to school in tattered garments.
Today, I want to talk about his fourth and most recent phase: the "Red Bean Ice Era." The story behind this name begins with the treatment trip we took with him to Linyi, Shandong, this summer. Back then, we entrusted my mother-in-law—who has been suffering from dementia for years—to my husband’s elder sister, then traveled far away to receive an integrated TCM and Western medicine treatment program combining acupuncture and freshly brewed herbal medicine.
This acupuncture experience left us utterly astounded. In Taiwan, when we used to take Andrew for scalp acupuncture, only five or six needles were needed, but it still took several adults to hold him down. He would scream at the top of his lungs throughout the process. But the treatment in Linyi was a world of difference. The doctors would insert needles all over his body—from his head, chest, abdomen, and back to his feet—avoiding only the soles of his feet since he needed to walk. Later, I counted the needles left after each session: there were 32, not including the ones he accidentally knocked off or secretly pulled out during the treatment. During the 30-minute acupuncture session, the needles were rotated every 15 minutes to enhance the therapeutic effect.
What touched me even more was that while other children cried their hearts out during the acupuncture, Andrew didn’t shed a single tear the entire time. It wasn’t until I heard from another mother who tried the acupuncture that I realized how brave my son was—she said the needles caused an excruciating mix of pain and soreness that was almost unbearable. It wasn’t until one and a half months into the treatment that Andrew finally started crying from the pain and occasionally resisting the sessions. Following the doctor’s advice, we kept the treatment duration between one and a half to two months, avoiding excessive doses of herbal medicine and acupuncture to give his body ample time to detoxify.
There was also an auxiliary treatment during the course: umbilical herbal patches. These round tablets were applied with black medicinal plaster and left on the navel for several hours. We usually did this while Andrew was asleep. But when he was awake, he couldn’t resist picking off the patches, tearing off the adhesive and skin around his navel, leaving it looking like a flower that had been roughly plucked apart.
This picking habit soon spread beyond his navel to his hands and feet. Whenever there was a mosquito bite or a small wound on his body, he would keep scratching it, making the wounds scab over and break open repeatedly. Those clusters of dark red marks looked just like scattered red beans—and that’s how the "Red Bean Ice Era" got its name. As an artist, I sometimes even think that these scars on his body are like a unique piece of body art.
For these wounds, the homemade Lithospermum ointment I make works like magic. Blended with a base of lithospermum, Chinese angelica, black sesame oil, sweet almond oil, beeswax, and petroleum jelly, then infused with menthol and essential oils, it heals small cuts incredibly quickly. Unfortunately, Andrew always scratches the wounds open again before they fully heal, leading to persistent sores that eventually leave behind faint white scars. Now, alongside his handsome face, his hands, feet, and belly are covered with these "red bean stars."
Besides acupuncture, Andrew also received over half an hour of full-body massage every day. The masseuse would gently knead him from head to toe, talking to him continuously throughout the process. It made me realize that physical touch—the closeness of skin to skin—is the starting point for building trust between people. Additionally, he underwent electro-moxibustion therapy: round adhesive pads were placed on his body, his hands and feet were heated, and the device was connected for a 30-minute session. The senior doctor upstairs also used acupressure and acupuncture to encourage him to practice saying "Grandpa."
There’s a small, unforgettable anecdote from the treatment period. When Andrew couldn’t stop coughing, the senior doctor suggested trying bee venom therapy. Watching the doctor pick up a bee with tweezers, break off its stinger, and apply it to my son’s skin, I couldn’t hold back my tears. We never wanted to harm a living creature for the sake of treatment, but having traveled thousands of miles, we were reluctant to miss any possible chance of helping him. Later, I quietly asked the doctor to avoid this treatment as much as possible; no matter how effective it was, I couldn’t bear to sacrifice a life for it.
During this time, I also invested in the Casbox platform for recording my podcast. Starting with the basic plan that cost over a thousand New Taiwan Dollars, I later upgraded to a paid version because my scripts were too long, spending more than five thousand New Taiwan Dollars in total. But it was completely worth it. Not only could I afford it, but I also gained immense joy from the creative process. I finally felt free from constraints, able to do what I love, express myself freely as a creator, and even have the capacity to help others. As the saying goes, giving with an open hand is a blessing—even if I can only help an ant, it is a precious karmic connection.
In truth, I don’t chase high traffic with my podcast. It’s more like a treatment diary for my son and me. I hope that one day, these stories will become a source of comfort for other families with autistic children, letting those parents who are struggling anxiously in this battle of life know that they are not alone. I also have an almost impossible dream: I hope that Andrew, who cannot speak at all now, will one day stand on a big stage and tell his own story. For now, all I can do is carefully record every bit of this journey.
It’s early morning now, and Andrew has woken up. I need to get him ready to catch the school bus. I’ll save the other details of our treatment in Linyi for next time. Everyone, I apologize for speaking softly—I don’t dare to raise my voice too loud, fearing I might disturb my sleeping family and neighbors. Being able to share these moments quietly like this is already a great blessing for me. Goodbye！
 

陪他走過那些「特殊」的愛好，是我最珍貴的修行Accompanying him in his unique passions is my most cherished lesson.mp3

　　Hello everybody，今天我想要分享我兒子的故事。
他目前為止，人生曾經經歷過幾個執著的階段，每一個時期都有不同的興趣，而且非常執著。要怎麼說呢？算是他的 hobby 呢？是他的興趣呢？或是他的習慣呢？他每一陣子就會有一個 period of time，持續做一件事情。
在他很小的時候，最早發現他的持續行為是把玩安全帽。因為他很喜歡跟爸爸出去玩，那時候還沒辦法自己戴安全帽，就總是把玩它。安全帽有個扣環，按一下就會打開，他可以連續不斷地重複開關這個動作，大概能玩20分鐘以上，一直不間斷。那個年紀的小孩，打開那個暗扣並不容易，需要一些力氣和手指操作的技巧。一開始我覺得有點奇怪，但後來想說不管他做什麼、玩什麼，我都支持，只要他能透過遊戲學到一個能力就好，所以就放任他玩，沒有阻止。
後來因為我最近喜歡看書，就試著去誠品書局買了一本書給他。那時候我發現他好像喜歡聽歌，就挑了一本英文童書，裡面都是英文歌。買之前我先唱了幾首給他聽，感覺他很喜歡。一方面我覺得透過歌曲也能學一些英文，挺有意思的，就買了那本書，那是我第一次買書給他。
那時候爸爸在北京創作，不在家裡，我每天都會唱書裡的歌給他聽。很有意思的是，他早上睡醒第一件事，不是一般孩子會做的事，而是去找到那本書，開始翻閱。他看書的方式也跟一般人不太一樣，不是慢慢看，而是一頁一頁快速翻完整本，翻完又重複一遍一遍地翻。那時候他應該還不識字，就連現在他已經高中年紀了，我都不確定他到底識不識字。但我覺得他有興趣，會主動在床頭找到這本書，就是有意識地想要學習，所以那時候我很開心，跟爸爸說：「這個寶貝好像是個喜歡看書的小孩。」因為我小時候也喜歡看書，所以特別開心。
不過後來他慢慢出現了一些自閉症的狀況，其實他翻書的那個階段，還沒有這些狀況。我們一開始只是疑似他有自閉症，爸爸覺得疑似的時間點，是他帶兒子回台灣打疫苗的時候。爸爸親自抱著他去醫院打了疫苗，之後就發現他有了一些變化：眼神從原來的明亮慢慢失去了光彩，一些自閉症的行為也逐漸出現。當然，這也可能和生活中其他事情疊加有關，比如寶寶回來後曾被帶到雲林，整天狂哭，回來後自閉症的狀態就越來越明顯。但爸爸堅持認為，很有可能是打了疫苗後才爆發的，因為那種變化帶給他的感覺太強烈了，他永遠忘不了是自己親手帶兒子去打疫苗，之後才發生了這些種種變化。
我那時候有點搞不清楚狀況，每天上班，家裡有婆婆照顧小孩，婆婆是優良保母，我也就沒有去深究背後的原因。現在回想起來，或許真的和爸爸說的那樣。自閉症是一種不太好處理的狀況，目前全世界的定義是，還沒有找到任何藥物可以治療它。This is，所以我們就配合台灣的醫療，對他進行各種早期的輔助和介入，家人說要帶他去做什麼治療，就帶他去，我沒空的時候，就是先生帶他去。
好像有點講偏了，回到他的執著上。他有一陣子很喜歡撕書，這真的很讓人頭痛。我買給他的那本英文歌曲書，同樣的版本，我買了三本，還另外影印了兩份，就是為了讓他撕。他把書撕得很碎，我每天都要像拼拼圖一樣把書補好——我本來就不喜歡玩拼圖，覺得把完好的東西弄碎再拼起來是浪費生命，但為了兒子，也為了自己能繼續用那本書，每天都要花很多時間修補他撕碎的書。有些實在修補不了的，就只能再買一本新的，所以我家裡有很多本一模一樣的書。再加上我東西容易不見，就希望學校、家裡、床邊各放一本，方便取用。
但撕書還不是最辛苦的，有一陣子他迷上了米——就是碗裡的米。這段時期簡直像一場噩夢。他會半夜爬起來，走到放米的地方，打開容器把米抓起來撒得滿地都是，廚房、客廳到處都是。我們家有藝術家成員，東西本來就多，米撒在地上、桌上，和其他東西混在一起，清理起來要花費極大的力氣。而且米是食物，他把一桶米倒掉，我們也捨不得全部丟掉，只能把還能用的包起來，用篩子篩乾淨留下來。最可怕的是，他有時候會半夜三點起來撒米，我第二天還要上班，卻得清理到天亮，真的非常煎熬。
灑米也就算了，他還會動爸爸買的中藥。爸爸很喜歡買中藥，有些是科學中藥，一罐就要好幾百，甚至五六百、六七百塊，一大罐可以吃很久。他那陣子不僅玩米，還會把整罐新買的中藥打開，倒得滿地都是。藥粉比米更難清理，不僅會飄揚，碰到水還會凝結，而且價格又貴，弄得一團糟。那時候我還要處理他弄亂的阿華田——就是那種巧克力味的麥芽飲料，甜味的，遇水很容易融化凝結，他倒在地上後，掃也掃不乾淨，用水沖又會整塊粘在地上，我花了一天多的時間才清理完。那段時間，我覺得自己就像辛德瑞拉，每天處理完兒子搗的亂，還要去上班，能撐下來沒瘋掉，真的覺得是老天厚待。
我有時候會想到畢加索，他一生中有藍色時期、玫瑰色時期，我覺得我兒子也有這樣的「時期」：第一個是玩米的時期，持續了一年以上；第二個是開車門的時期，這個興趣持續了兩三年，真的很讓人頭痛。他開的是停在路上的車門，開了之後還不關。有些鄰居因為送貨方便，車門不會鎖，他打開車門後，下雨時車裡會淋濕，有時候還會影響行人，讓幾個鄰居非常困擾——比如有設計公司、送食品的貨運公司，還有擺地攤的商家，都受過他的影響。
我還記得有一次，我帶著兒子在路上走，突然看到一隻超大的烏龜，就像動物園裡那種最大的陸龜，我們都被吸引了。結果烏龜的主人，一個在菜市場擺地攤的女生，認出了我兒子，說：「原來就是你兒子，上次把我們停在路邊的小貨車車門打開了！」她先生那時候正在擺地攤，接到鄰居電話說車門沒關，只好把攤子全部收起來回去關門，氣得半死，還說再這樣就要報警了。因為這隻烏龜，我們算是「被抓個正著」，我也覺得很不應該，就常常特意去她的攤位買菜，多買一些，希望能獲得她的原諒，有時候還會把自己做的手作分給她。
還有一次，我左手牽著小兒子，右手牽著他，經過一輛進口名車，他突然用右手打開了人家的車門。車裡的年輕人氣得衝下車，破口大罵，一開始以為是小偷，後來看到是個小孩，還是個看起來聰明伶俐、長得可愛的小孩，更氣了。他妻子也罵道：「你幹什麼？怎麼可以開我們的車門？」我趕快拉著兩個孩子，按照弟子規裡的傳統文化，跟人家90度敬禮道歉，解釋說：「對不起，我的這個兒子是重度自閉症，沒有語言，也不會講話，在念特教班。」但那個年輕人並不諒解，還是非常生氣，拳頭都快揮過來了，後來用力關上車門。我嚇得拉著孩子趕緊跑回家，本來要買菜也不敢買了，跟爸爸說這件事的時候還心有餘悸。
還有一次，我去買洛神花——洛神花的季節很短，之前聽料理達人說看到就要全部買下來，那個賣洛神花的老太太也很辛苦，我就想把她的洛神花全部買下來。她包裝的時候，因為量比較多，兒子趁我不注意偷偷溜掉了。我回頭發現他不見了，嚇得要死，又不敢馬上跟家裡說，只能先自己找，找不到就報警，幸運的是警察後來找到了他。後來在路上遇到那個賣洛神花的老太太，她跟我說：「你兒子剛剛跑掉了，沿著這條路把每輛車的門都打開了，不管大車小車，你真的要管好他，太危險了。」
那時候在我們家附近，我常常被鄰居教導怎麼教孩子，甚至不認識的人也會過來指點，有時候真的覺得快要爆炸了。但我也知道，自己確實需要學習怎麼照顧這樣的孩子，直到現在我都還在摸索。
不過也很幸運，因為兒子，我們認識了很多善良的鄰居，其中最讓我感動的是孫師傅——我覺得他是全世界最好的鄰居。孫師傅是水電行老闆，有一輛貨車，我們家對面馬路的藥房旁邊就是他的店。一開始我兒子總是去開他的貨車門，有時候還會衝到樓下打開車門，再衝回來，一副很開心的樣子。我覺得很不好意思，就帶了伴手禮去跟孫師傅道歉，跟他說明兒子是自閉症，喜歡開車門，希望他能諒解。孫師傅話不多，只是看看我和兒子，點了點頭。
後來我發現，兒子有時候衝到樓下，回來的時候手裡會拿著一塊切片草莓蛋糕，或者一顆超大的水梨——那種水梨我買過最貴的一顆要200塊，都是孫師傅給他的。我跑去感謝孫師傅，送他手工皂、紫雲膏這類東西，他都不收，說自己有皮膚病，不能亂擦東西；送他吃的，他又說飲食很講究，不能吃糖，總有各種理由拒絕，反而會送我大李子，還特意說：「我不是送你的，你不要搞錯，我是送安喆的，OK！」我不收都不行。
有一次下大雨，兒子又衝下去打開了孫師傅的車門，我趕緊拿抹布想幫他擦乾車門內側被淋濕的地方，孫師傅趕忙說：「不用不用，等一下我來擦就好。」我忍不住說：「孫師傅，我知道你疼安喆，願意讓他開車門，但下雨天你能不能把門鎖起來？不然車裡淋濕了可能會損壞。」他卻說：「你不知道我就是故意不鎖，要讓他開車門的嗎？」那時候我才終於明白，孫師傅是特意準備了一輛不鎖門的車，讓兒子想開的時候就能下樓去開，這樣兒子心裡得到了滿足，就不會跑去整條街開別人的車門了。意識到孫師傅的用心，我真的好想哭。
孫師傅看起來就是一個瘦瘦小小、常常打著赤膊的普通獨居老人，牆上貼著耶穌基督的畫像，應該是基督徒，而我是佛教徒，但他卻這麼照顧我兒子。我們一直想找機會報答他，剛好後來我們家廚房漏水，琉璃台下面一直滴水，找了5間附近的水電行，都說難度太高，處理不了。沒辦法，我只好去找孫師傅。他說他們抓漏收費很貴，還建議我找附近更便宜的，但我堅持要他來處理。
孫師傅後來派了師傅過來，我特意買了最好的點心，烤了麵包、蛋糕招待他們，想好好感謝他們。本來要5天的工程，師傅們3天就趕工完成了，把牆壁敲開，接好漏水的水管，再把牆壁修復得很漂亮，非常非常 perfect。結賬的時候，我跟孫師傅說希望他告訴我真實費用，畢竟是這麼大的工程，他說大概4萬塊，還特意補充：「這個錢我幾乎全部給師傅，我其實沒收到什麼錢。」我真的很感動，不知道自己和安喆是什麼福報，能遇到這麼好的人。
後來我跟孫師傅分享了自己的經歷，說有個叫喜樂園的教會免費照顧了兒子一年，每個禮拜有一天可以帶兒子去那裡做手作、聽演講，還能帶吃的喝的回家，有時候還有小禮物，所以我每年都會準備50份小禮物送給喜樂園的人。或許是理解了我的為人，後來我送他一些小東西，他終於肯收下了，也會經常回贈我一些他的東西，不再像以前那樣什麼都拒絕。
經過了玩米、開車門的時期，第三個階段是他把衣服弄破的時期。後來他不怎麼開車門了，也很少去孫師傅那裡了，但到了國中階段，他開始把衣服、褲子弄破，尤其是學校的制服，我們不得不經常買新的。除此之外，他還因為焦慮出現了尿褲子的情況——那時候他玩米玩得太誇張，先生會修理他，他一被修理就焦慮，然後就尿褲子。其實他兩歲就不用包尿布了，但那陣子一天在學校可能尿濕10件褲子，長褲和衣服都不便宜，我每天要帶一個超大的包包，把他尿濕的褲子拿回來洗，晚上還要幫婆婆換尿布、洗她的褲子，那段時間真的太可怕了。
每天下班後我都沒時間馬上洗衣服，因為要照顧家人，後來只好花6000塊換了一個不會吵人的洗衣機馬達，半夜起來洗衣服，才度過了那個黑暗的時期。我跟先生說不要再打兒子了，不然他焦慮尿褲子，最後辛苦的還是我，要一直洗褲子。後來尿褲子的情況慢慢結束了，但弄破衣服的行為還在繼續，內褲、外褲、衣服到處都是破洞，他穿起來就像丐帮的人，明明長得很帥。一開始我們只能不斷買新的，後來先生用縫紉機幫他縫補，衣服上到處都是補丁，他就穿著帶補丁的衣服上學。現在他已經不太弄破衣服了，偶爾只是抽掉幾個線頭。
我講到這裡，不知道是不是花了太久時間，但希望能完整地把這些回憶記錄下來。Thank you everybody in the listening，謝謝我自己的勇敢分享。

自閉小王子的治療經驗分享Sharing of the Treatment Experience of an Autistic Little Prince.mp3

Hello good morning For you and me 我突然想到，就是分享我兒子從小到大，他的治療的一些經驗。
在知道我兒子他有自閉症的這樣的一個狀態之後，我想我跟所有類似孩子的父母應該都曾經走過很多類似的路。有些是自己在生活中嘗試教育，有些就是透過醫學的療癒，帶他去醫院，嘗試各種治療的可能性，接受各種外力的協助。
我回憶一開始最早帶他去的就是所謂的復健科診所，我還記得那個診所的名字叫振峰。也有同事跟我推薦不錯的診所，而且不會太遠，但我還是選擇了離我家比較近的診所，而不是一開始同事推薦的那家。
一開始我帶孩子去治療的時候，他陷入了那種很淒厲的哭泣，用淒厲來描述，是因為他哭得上氣不接下氣、聲嘶力竭。假設是一個小時的課程，他可能哭的時間就有40分鐘。後來帶他上課的老師出來告訴我，要能夠撐過容許孩子哭這麼久的艱難時期，老師說因為他抗拒就不上課的話，我們就中招了，一定要忍過去。
但一兩次之後，我還是感覺到他哭的強度太高了，老師沒有辦法用有效的方式讓他停止或減緩哭泣的強度。我覺得對我來講，這個上課給我的說服力不夠，但我也不是上了兩次就停了，還是帶他上了一陣子，後來才決定把這門課停了。
之後我們也聽朋友介紹，陸續換了一些上課的單位，有的比較遠，多半還是一些基礎的復健。自閉症的孩子因為有語言表達的困難，所以最常接受的治療就是語言治療、物理治療、心理治療、職能治療，還有一個我一時忘了名字的治療，涉及生理層面的調整，有好幾個面向。
因為距離這類治療已經過了幾年，這類治療有黃金時期，比如最佳治療時間可能是學前到國小階段，國中以後，大家就會覺得這些孩子錯過了最佳的黃金治癒期。
在這些治療的過程中，我知道很多家庭都是全力以赴的。這些治療機構有的有健保補助，有的需要申請政府對弱勢家庭的補助，還有的沒有任何補助，是私人機構，這些我們都嘗試過。
在醫院方面，從大型醫院到小型復健診所，我們聽到哪家好就設法過去，甚至有些醫生的預約門診非常困難，我還遇過需要預約半年才能看第一次診的情況，這對一般家庭來講真的蠻折腾的。
他的爸爸曾帶他接受過一種治療，是用一些金屬相關的食材、藥材做生理調整，有一個特殊的名稱，我一時想不起來了。比如會調理他身體缺乏的一些元素，像鎂（就是那種化學形式的鎂）、鋅之類的，是人體需要但平常不容易攝取到的東西。
這治療對孩子來說非常難熬，因為那些藥非常難吃，不僅難吃還非常貴，每次拿一次藥就要上萬元，而且只能吃一個禮拜。
我孩子小時候吃飯要追著跑，但吃藥的話，一叫就來，一口就吞下去。像感冒糖漿之類的，就算加了糖漿還是有藥味，不算真的好吃，但他就是喜歡。我覺得最誇張的是，小時候他愛吃藥到什麼地步呢？有一次藥裡面有黃連，黃連是最苦的，一般人很難下咽，我們那時有一罐黃連，他趁我們看電視的時候，小腳跑跑跑跑到前面，打開那罐黃連就咬到嘴巴裡吃。我們都很驚訝，那麼苦，他吃了之後也沒有不舒服或不喜歡的感覺。
從小到大，我們帶他接受各種治療，很多都讓我們和孩子都受盡折磨，但唯獨吃藥他是很喜歡的。不過他接受的那種類似排毒的治療，那些藥實在太難吃了，他也不太喜歡，而且那味道聞起來都是臭的，連泡藥的小杯子都臭到我們聞了就不舒服，那真是一段令人心疼的折磨。
如果沒記錯的話，他吃那種藥吃了半年以上，那段時間我們在買藥上簡直是在燒錢，後來我們自己覺得，孩子有點像在煉獄中受苦。
我沒有準備得很好，應該先上網查一下這些治療方法的明確名稱，比如他在醫院接受的治療，我記得有4種：語言治療、物理治療、心理治療，還有一種什麼治療，我一直想不起來。我現在講的都是隨性想起來的，記得多少就講多少。至於那種藥物治療的特殊說法，我有空再找出來，也許在下一集、留言或文字說明部分補充進去。
在這些醫院的具體治療中，我覺得比較困難的是，每次找一個新的機構、做一個新的評估，或是讓新的機構、醫院、診所重新了解我孩子，都要填寫一大疊有厚度的孩子觀察與介紹表。我覺得我從小到大考試寫考卷，都沒有這份考卷困難，因為裡面問了很多問題，我都不知道怎麼回答。
孩子就像變形蟲，每個階段的態度、行為方式都不固定，而且我還要思考他的行為是對是錯、程度如何，這對我來講，比背書考試、做應用題困難太多了。但我一定要硬著頭皮把整篇填完，不論答案對不對，才能讓孩子接受後續的治療。
而且每次都要重新講孩子的情況：生出來怎樣、後來發生了什麼事、我們後來怎樣手足無措、需要送到這裡治療。這是我覺得非常困難的一件事，但為了孩子我也都做到了。
再來是一些比較特別的課程。我自己算是一個藝術工作者，嚴格來說，後來我發現連我婆婆、我先生都是，我先生是全職藝術家（full artist），我結婚前每年都嘗試辦個人展（Art Creation Show），是一個藝術創作者（creator），結婚後就變成了全職美術老師。我內心裡還是保持著藝術家的靈魂，覺得自己的很多思維與眾不同，但在現實生活中，我已經失去了可以不受打斷、長時間創作的條件。
但後來我發現，沒有任何外力或足夠強度的所謂外力能真正切斷我們的人生夢想，真正切斷這些夢想的只有自己，因為自己可以為自己找任何藉口。現代社會已經接受各種意想不到的創作形式，我想最大的原因是，生活中最大的目標已經不是藝術創作（Art create），而是怎樣救我的孩子、怎樣把自己的身心安頓好、順利完成上級交代的工作，同時我還是父母的女兒，對他們有一些義務。
我媽媽給我的義務是每天要吃很多營養品，我努力跟她溝通後，最後只剩下兩種，但還是有一大堆東西要吃，這對我來說真的是一個不可能完成的任務（impossible mission）。我也嘗試過執行，但我真的不希望自己是因為要吃這些東西而活著。不過這裡面包含了多少難以拒絕的愛，我媽媽說她買這些營養品都花了好幾萬元。先不說一般贍養父母的金錢物質部分，這些都是我自發性做的，但吃藥這件事對我來說真的好難，我真的很努力在執行了。
後來我覺得，如果我的人生要在這方面花功夫，可能是一種生命的巨大妥協。就算是一秒鐘、一分鐘，我都希望能把時間省下來，做自己真正想做、需要做的事。
當然，我也帶他接受過音樂治療，為什麼呢？其實我是一個音樂白癡，後來整理成績單時，我發現大學鍵盤樂的成績很不好，勉強低空飛過，甚至曾經被當掉後重新補考。我姐姐則是絕對音感，4歲就被判定應該學鋼琴，所以我在音樂方面真的是很難啟發的白癡、怪胎。
但有這樣一個孩子，我覺得他必須激發我很多力量，否則我想我應該會是一個很容易意志消沉的人。因為我從小就不愛動腦筋，只想輕輕鬆鬆地活著，是有點傻氣的孩子。
我兒子其實不傻，他一直在進步，只是可能無法講話、無法像一般孩子那樣寫出自己的名字、說出自己的名字，到現在都還是如此。但他有很厲害的能力，比如一串鑰匙，他很小的時候就知道哪一只是我家樓下的、哪一只是樓上的、哪一只是大鐵門的、哪一只是室內門的；他很小的時候就能在車流中，在爸爸找不到停車位時，好像內心有未經導航的系統，很快找到自家的車；他曾經自己騎著優拜單車走失11個小時，監視器顯示他已經離家很遠，穿過好幾個露營關卡，最後竟然自己騎著優拜單車回到了家。
我覺得他內在腦海裡可能有一個內心衛星導航，這個導航的準確度比我們一般人的導航更靈敏。但在生活中，就算是有點智能障礙的孩子具備的基本認知和能力，他看起來都沒有的。
我一直對他很有信心，除了我傻氣的信念，我相信信念創造實相。這是我跟我的恩師——淨空老法師學習，並且在許添盛醫師推廣的賽斯心法的啟發下，一直堅信的道理。不過這個信念是在孩子國小中年級以後，我才真正體悟到的。
其實我內心一直對這個孩子的未來充滿期待，這種期待有點不合邏輯，到現在都還在幻想一些別人看來不切實際的事情。生活中有很多條件可能會讓他變得平庸，但我想用這樣堅定的信念對待他，因為對孩子有高遠的信念並不違法，也不傷害任何人，抱著這樣的信念生活，自己也會更快樂。不論這個結果是否能實現，我都覺得這是一個美麗的夢境，我們不需要戳破很多夢境，因為很多夢境在我們醒來時會自動結束，但有些信念是可以一直堅持的。
我為什麼會提到小巨蛋和大巨蛋呢？因為我有點莫名其妙地住進了這一地區。並不是因為我家或我先生有錢，我是結婚後才住過來的。我公公以前是開計程車的，婆婆是幫人帶小孩的，他們都是非常平凡的普通人。當年他們在台北找房子時，剛好這裡有正在興建的便宜公寓，他們就買了下來，住了三四十年，這裡後來就變成了房價很貴的地段。後來這裡莫名其妙蓋了小巨蛋，又蓋了大巨蛋，都在我家附近。我就想，這裡是可以演講、表演的地方，也許我兒子有一天可以在這裡演講。有人會說我瘋了，但瘋了又怎樣呢？我就是這麼想的。
回到他的治療上，他現在確實還是不會講話。我知道在早療過程中，接受語言治療、心理治療、物理治療、職能治療的孩子，有些在學前就慢慢學會講話了。我有一個同事就是這樣，可惜那個同事幾年前過世了，她是一個比我厲害好幾百倍的媽媽。她的兒子曾經很久都不會講話，後來變得很會講話，成績也不錯，她的女兒還念了英文最頂尖的學校。我教的兩個小孩都普普通通，小兒子在學校成績還OK，大兒子到現在都不會講話。我一直覺得我不是一個很會教孩子的媽媽，但可能是一個有點特別、有點怪的媽媽，常常活在自己的世界裡，自我陶醉。
後來我發現了podcast這種東西，一開始知道的是喜馬拉雅。這是一個意外，我的一個很棒的學生Steven知道很多東西，他告訴我IG，還告訴我可以用聲音錄音傳遞訊息。至於podcast，好像不是他告訴我的，我是無意中在YouTube或廣播裡聽到的，後來找到喜馬拉雅的podcast，那時簡直瘋狂愛上了這個東西，一開始它是免費的。
我帶兒子念古文，因為我的恩師淨空老法師，我聽他演講很多年了，他一直告訴我們，小孩子要學古文，念古文會安定心性，還能增長智慧。所以我兒子雖然不會講話，一開始我就帶他去讀經、念古文，堅持了好幾年。他在讀經班裡到處爬來爬去，把鞋子往樓下丟，跑到廁所，還跑到外面追別的孩子，被追回來後再繼續上課。你根本不知道他上課的意義何在，但因為覺得對老師不好意思，我自己背了很多古文，《論語》《孟子》《大學》《中庸》《千字文》《弟子規》《朱子治家格言》，還有《唐詩三百首》。但我兒子還是什麼都不會，不過我自己倒是有收穫，後來寫文章的時候，腦海裡會浮現很多古文句子，遇到事情時，這段古文能幫我解決問題，那段古文能給我力量，我覺得我才是最大的受益者。
再來說說他接受的各種治療中，還有一種是藝術性的治療——音樂治療。有一次我帶他去台北醫學大學附設醫院，那裡有音樂治療，價格很貴，大概40分鐘或30分鐘就要上千甚至兩千塊，對我來說有點貴。但後來我還是想試試看，死馬當活馬醫。他第一次上課時，我可以透過窗戶偷看老師對他做的事情，一開始他躺在地上，根本不理老師。後來不知道老師跟他說了什麼，他突然爬起來，感覺很認真地在聆聽。不過後來有些課就不能偷看了，大概就是這樣。老師後來告訴我，一開始孩子完全不理他，後來他嘗試唱一些歌、哼一些旋律，沒想到孩子被深深吸引，開始喜歡聽老師唱歌。老師又用一些樂器吸引他的注意力，他就開始願意跟老師互動，順利上完了那堂課。所以雖然很貴，我還是決定讓他繼續上，這樣上了一年。後來之所以沒有繼續，不是因為太貴，而是老師告訴我，孩子又不想要學習了。我偷偷在窗戶外看到他整堂課30分鐘都躺在地上，我還要付錢，覺得這樣實在太浪費錢了，他大概是玩夠了、不想學了，我就把這門課結束了。
後來有一位恩師美汐老師，我覺得我的人生中有很多貴人，如果說老師的話，她是最讓我感動的貴人。她不僅用自己的能力愛我，我覺得她是用自己生命中很重要的部分在愛我。美汐老師是石老師的太太，石老師在台灣算是有點知名的策展人（curator），他是我國小的老師，還擔任過當代美術館等幾個重要美術館的館長。我不是想說他的來歷，而是覺得自己很幸運能認識這樣的老師，我父母和他是國小的同事，他也當過國小老師，一直都很善待我、愛護我。在我作品還不怎麼樣的時候，他會來參觀我的個人展，他的夫人美汐老師也會一起來。
有一次最讓我感動的是，我在鳳甲美術館辦個人展開幕，邀請了他們，那天他們不僅來了，還參加了座談會。後來有一次我去找他，那時他在一個類似畫廊的藝術機構擔任高階藝術指導之類的重要職務。我經過他那裡時，看到他的行程表，發現他那邊的展覽開幕時間和我的開幕時間是重疊的。我那時想，他是那個展覽的重要人物，應該會選擇參加自己的展覽開幕，而不是我的，但他最後卻選擇來參加我的開幕，我覺得這個老師真的對我非常非常好，連他的夫人也一起過來了。我真的不知道自己哪來的這樣的福氣，我一直只是一個很普通很普通的人，書念得也不怎麼樣，背書背不起來，國中時還被老師打了幾十下。在家裡我也總是丟三落四，家人對我沒有什麼信心，覺得我帶孩子出去會把孩子弄丟。連我失智前的婆婆都跟我先生說，她難過地發現我不太聰明。
我嫁到他們家沒多久，婆婆還沒有失智的時候跟我先生說了這件事，我一直很努力地想，她到底是怎麼發現、怎麼觀察出來的。我只想到一件事，有一次我們去家附近的愛買買東西，那個愛買後來停業了，當時開了好多年。我拎著一個剛買不久的綠色小布手提包，跟他們一起去買菜，買東西的時候把背包丟到了購物車的大籃子裡。買到差不多要付賬的時候，我突然看到前面有一位媽媽也推著購物車，購物車前面的小籃子裡有一個綠色的背包，我看起來覺得有點熟悉。她快要推到收銀台的時候，我忍不住冒昧地問她：「小姐對不起，請問你這個綠色的包包是...？」她告訴我：「我也不知道，我剛買完菜回頭就看到籃子裡多了這個包包，不知道是誰放進去的。」我說：「可以讓我看一下嗎？」她說可以，我打開一看，那就是我的包包，我趕緊跟她道歉說：「不好意思，這是我的包包。」我當時覺得很不好意思，怎麼會把自己的包包放到別人的購物車裡，自己還沒發現，可能是因為包包是新買的，一時搞不清楚。
後來我婆婆大概是發現了這件事，回去就跟我先生說，好像娶了一個不太聰明的媳婦。我覺得好丟臉，剛到他家就發生這種事。他們還在我上班的時候開了個家庭會議，討論的結果是，我常丟三落四、搞不清楚狀況，以後有了孩子，不能讓我一個人帶孩子出去。那時我們剛結婚，我還沒有生小孩，也不記得那時是否懷孕了。他們達成共識後，我先生在我下班回來後告訴了我這件事，我一開始覺得很好笑，後來又覺得很丟臉。我婆婆雖然沒有讀過書、沒有什麼文化，但她會這麼想也是有原因的。後來我才知道，他們做這個決定是因為婆婆很善良貼心，她跟家人說：「一定不能讓她一個人帶孩子出去，她連自己的包包都會弄丟，萬一把孩子弄丟了，她可能會不敢回家。到時候丈母娘要來討人，我們不僅會失去孩子，還會失去媳婦，這是很大的損失。」
扯遠了，回到孩子的治療上。音樂治療結束後，美汐老師告訴我們可以去許添盛醫師那裡看診，後來我們決定接受藝術治療。那個藝術治療更貴，90分鐘要4500元，我當時有點猶豫要不要做。美汐老師懇求我讓孩子做，還要幫我付錢，我一開始覺得不能接受，但後來想想還是姑且一試，其實我自己也付得起這個價錢，只是那時因為一些長期的財務規劃，需要連續6年支付一些費用，手頭有點緊，前兩三個月的費用確實是美汐老師堅持幫我付的。後來我也堅持自己付費，因為不能讓她花這麼多錢，而且我也有能力支付，之後就繼續接受治療，大概維持了幾個月。後來疫情開始，很多治療都必須暫停，我也就順其自然，沒有再繼續了，因為那個課程太貴，是單堂單堂購買的。
孩子接受了這麼多治療，我並沒有看到他很明顯、很大的進步，但我相信每一個治療都有其意義，不能說治療師對他完全沒有幫助，只是沒有達到「完成治療就會好、就會講話」的絕對效果。我在做任何治療之前，都會偷偷問自己，透過這個治療，他會變好嗎？他會講話嗎？後來我發現，這其實是一個很漫長的陪伴過程。
我還帶他接受過腦波介入治療，就是透過音樂，用耳機傳送腦波震動，讓他接受音樂訊息，也帶他做了一段時間，但時間不長，因為他看起來沒有很願意配合，也沒有看到很明顯的成效。
大概各種生理治療、心理治療、物理治療、職能、藥物治療、腦部治療、藝術治療，幾乎各種治療都嘗試過了。最後一個治療是上個禮拜才結束的，是一個視聽動治療，由一家劉氏機構提供。我不知道在podcast裡能不能提到具體名稱，會不會有廣告嫌疑，但我沒有拿任何好處，也不是要做廣告，純粹是一個生活簡單的傻女人的分享。我這麼坦露自己，沒有什麼防備心，希望你們不要因為覺得我傻就來欺騙我。
我覺得傻人也可以活得很快樂，因為接受自己不完美的部分，身邊就會有更多善良的人同情我們、對我們好一點，給我們更多資源和特別的愛護，減少對我們的傷害。當然也不一定每個人都會這樣對我們，我們就抱著謙卑感恩的態度，接受這些善意，也接受一些因緣際會下的離開。
好像講得有點多了，先講到這裡，希望關於孩子的治療部分沒有太大的遺漏。對了，剛才提到的最後一個直到上個禮拜才結束的治療，就是視聽動治療，我覺得老師教得很好。這個治療主要透過視覺、聽覺和動覺來培養他的體能和腦力，其中動覺訓練最多，比如各種球類技巧，需要體能和手部能力的結合，這是我最願意讓他一直上到現在的課程。
這個課程他上了好多年，費用也不低。前些日子老師很善意地告訴我，孩子已經國中畢業，即將進入高中階段的特殊學校。老師說我對他很好，還經常送他一些手工小禮物，雖然我常常遲到，有一次甚至把孩子送去後，自己回娘家忘了去接，把孩子留在那裡好幾個小時，老師都很包容我，還幫我照顧孩子。後來我問先生，他說不知道要去接孩子。老師真的好到這種地步，我都不知道該怎麼感謝。有兩次我主動跟老師說，要扣掉一堂課的費用，因為我遲到的時間加起來都夠上一堂課了，老師說沒關係，但我堅持要扣，因為老師實在太好了。
老師跟我說，孩子在這裡上課，和我互動得很好，現在孩子慢慢長大了，我也花了不少錢，她覺得自己能幫助孩子的地方已經有限了，建議我可以結束這個課程，不用再花這麼多時間送他過來，孩子也不用再學一些他已經會的東西。其實這類課程不便宜，一段時間後都會有互動諮詢，跟家長說孩子這段時間學到了什麼，讓家長有信心繼續報名，但這位老師很久都沒有做這樣的諮詢，我也從來沒有過問，完全信任老師。現在老師主動跟我說可以停課，我就聽了老師的話，上完最後兩堂課就結束了。
我覺得生命中因為孩子，能夠遇到這麼多好人、善良的人、真誠的人，我的人生因為有這個孩子而變得更豐富、更美好，真的是這樣。嗯，謝謝大家，也謝謝自己。
Sharing of the Treatment Experience of an Autistic Little Prince
Hello good morning For you and me. It suddenly occurred to me to share some experiences of my son's treatment from childhood to now.
After learning that my son has autism, I think I have walked a similar path to all parents of children with similar conditions. Some of us try to educate our children in daily life, while others seek medical treatment by taking them to hospitals, exploring various treatment possibilities, and accepting all kinds of external assistance.
I recall that the first place I took him to was a so-called rehabilitation clinic. I still remember the clinic's name was Zhenfeng. Colleagues also recommended some good clinics that weren't too far away, but I still chose the one closer to my home instead of the one recommended initially.
When I first took my child for treatment, he burst into heartbreaking, shrill cries—so shrill because he was crying at the top of his lungs, breathless. For a one-hour session, he might cry for 40 minutes. Later, the teacher who taught him came out and told me that I had to get through this difficult period of allowing the child to cry for so long. She said that if we gave up the class because he resisted, we would give in, and we must endure it.
But after one or two sessions, I still felt that the intensity of his crying was too high, and the teacher couldn't effectively stop or reduce it. To me, this class wasn't convincing enough, but I didn't stop after just two sessions—I continued taking him for a while before finally deciding to discontinue it.
Later, based on friends' recommendations, we successively switched to several other institutions, some of which were quite far away. Most of these were basic rehabilitation programs. Since autistic children face difficulties in language expression, the most common treatments they receive include speech therapy, physical therapy, psychological therapy, occupational therapy, and another type of therapy related to physical adjustment whose name I can't recall for the moment—there are several aspects to it.
It has been several years since he received such treatments, and these therapies have a golden period. For example, the best treatment time is probably from preschool to elementary school. After junior high school, people usually think that these children have missed the optimal golden recovery period.
During these treatment processes, I know many families have given their all. Some of these treatment institutions are covered by health insurance, some require applying for government subsidies for disadvantaged families, and others are private institutions with no subsidies—we have tried all of them.
In terms of hospitals, from large hospitals to small rehabilitation clinics, we went wherever we heard was good. Even making appointments with some doctors was extremely difficult; I once had to wait six months for the first consultation. This is really exhausting for an ordinary family.
His father once took him for a treatment that used some metal-related ingredients and medicinal herbs for physical adjustment. It has a special name that I can't remember right now. For example, it regulates elements his body lacks, such as magnesium (in its chemical form) and zinc—substances that the human body needs but is not easy to obtain through daily diet.
This treatment was very tough for the child because the medicine was extremely bitter and expensive. Each time we picked up the medicine, it cost over 10,000 yuan, and it only lasted for a week.
When my child was young, we had to chase him around to get him to eat, but when it came to taking medicine, he would come as soon as called and swallow it in one gulp. Things like cold syrup, even though it has syrup added, still has a medicinal taste and isn't really delicious, but he just loved it. What I find most exaggerated is how much he loved taking medicine as a child. Once, the medicine contained coptis chinensis, which is extremely bitter and hard for most people to swallow. We had a jar of coptis chinensis at that time. While we were watching TV, he ran over with his little feet, opened the jar, and bit into the coptis chinensis. We were shocked—how could he do that? It was so bitter, but after eating it, he didn't show any discomfort or dislike.
Throughout his life, every treatment we took him for was torturous for both us and him, but he only loved taking medicine. However, the medicine for that detox-like treatment was so bitter that he didn't like it much, and even the smell was disgusting. The small cup we used to make the medicine was so smelly that it made us feel very uncomfortable. It was truly a heartbreaking torment.
If I remember correctly, he took that medicine for more than half a year. During that time, buying the medicine was like burning money. Later, we felt that the child was suffering as if in purgatory.
I wasn't well-prepared; I should have looked up the exact names of these treatment methods online. For example, I remember he received four types of treatment in the hospital: speech therapy, physical therapy, psychological therapy, and another type of therapy whose name I keep forgetting. I'm talking randomly now, sharing whatever I can remember. As for the special term for that drug treatment, I'll look it up when I have time and add it in the next episode, comments, or text description.
One of the most difficult things about these specific hospital treatments is that every time we find a new institution, conduct a new assessment, or let a new institution, hospital, or clinic get to know my child, I have to fill out a thick stack of observation and introduction forms about him. I think among all the exams and papers I've written in my life, this was the hardest. It asked so many questions that I didn't know how to answer.
A child is like an amoeba—his attitude and behavior are not fixed at every stage. Moreover, I have to think about whether his actions are right or wrong and what his level is. For me, this was much harder than memorizing for exams or solving application problems. But I had to grit my teeth and finish filling it out, whether the answers were correct or not, so that the child could receive subsequent treatment.
Additionally, every time I had to recount the child's situation from the beginning: how he was when he was born, what happened later, how we felt helpless, and why we needed to send him here for treatment. This was a very difficult thing for me, but I did it all for the child.
Next are some more special courses. I consider myself an artist. Strictly speaking, I later realized that even my mother-in-law and husband are artists. My husband is a full-time artist. Before getting married, I tried to hold a solo art exhibition every year as an art creator. After getting married, I became a full-time art teacher. Deep down, I still retain the soul of an artist and feel that many of my thoughts are unique. But in real life, I have lost the conditions for uninterrupted, long-term creation.
However, I later realized that no external force or so-called powerful external force can truly cut off our life dreams. The only one who can truly cut off these dreams is ourselves, because we can make any excuse for ourselves. Contemporary society accepts all kinds of unexpected forms of creation. I think the main reason is that the biggest goal in life is no longer art creation, but how to save my child, how to settle my physical and mental state, and successfully complete the tasks assigned by my superiors. At the same time, I am still my parents' daughter and have certain obligations to them.
My mother's obligation for me is to take a lot of nutritional supplements every day. After trying hard to communicate with her, we finally reduced it to only two types, but there are still a lot of things I need to take. This is really an impossible mission for me. I tried to do it, but I really don't want to live just to take these things. However, this contains so much hard-to-refuse love—my mother said she spent tens of thousands of yuan buying these nutritional supplements. Putting aside the general financial and material support for supporting parents, which I do voluntarily, taking medicine is really difficult for me, and I have really tried my best.
Later, I felt that if I had to spend time on this aspect of my life, it would be a great compromise of life. Even for one second or one minute, I hope to save that time to do what I really want and need to do.
Of course, I also took him for music therapy. Why? Actually, I'm a music idiot. Later, when organizing my transcript, I found that my college keyboard score was very poor—I barely passed, or even failed once and had to retake the exam. My sister, on the other hand, has perfect pitch and was judged to be suitable for learning the piano when she was 4 years old. So I am really an unteachable idiot and freak when it comes to music.
But having such a child, I feel that he has to inspire a lot of strength in me; otherwise, I think I would be someone who easily gets discouraged. Because I have never liked using my brain since I was a child, and just wanted to live a relaxed life—I was a bit silly.
My son is actually not stupid; he has been making progress. He may not be able to speak, or write and say his own name like ordinary children, and this is still the case today. But he has very amazing abilities. For example, with a bunch of keys, he knew from a very young age which one was for the downstairs of our house, which one for the upstairs, which one for the main iron gate, and which one for the inner door. When he was little, in a stream of traffic, when his father couldn't find a parking space, he could quickly find our car as if he had an internal navigation system without any guidance. He once got lost riding a YouBike for 11 hours. Surveillance footage from the police station showed that he had gone far away, passed through several camping checkpoints, and finally rode the YouBike back home by himself.
I think he may have an internal satellite navigation in his mind, which is more sensitive in accuracy than the navigation of ordinary people like us. But in daily life, even the basic cognitive abilities that some children with mild intellectual disabilities possess seem to be absent in him.
I have always had confidence in him, not only because of my silly belief but also because I believe that faith creates reality. This is a truth I have always adhered to after learning from my respected teacher, Venerable Jingkong, and being inspired by the Sethian philosophy promoted by Dr. Xu Tiansheng. However, I truly realized this belief after my child entered the middle grades of elementary school.
In fact, deep down, I have always had high expectations for my child's future. These expectations are a bit illogical, and I still fantasize about some unrealistic things even now. There are many conditions in life that could make him mediocre, but I want to treat him with such a firm belief. Because having high and profound beliefs about one's child is not illegal or harmful to anyone, and living with such beliefs makes oneself happier. Whether this result can be achieved or not, I think it is a beautiful dream. We don't need to puncture many dreams because many of them end automatically when we wake up, but some beliefs can be persisted in.
Why did I mention the Taipei Arena and the Taipei Dome? Because I somehow moved to this area. It's not because my family or my husband is wealthy—I moved here after getting married. My father-in-law used to be a taxi driver, and my mother-in-law used to take care of other people's children. They are both very ordinary people. When they were looking for a house in Taipei many years ago, there happened to be cheap apartments being built here. They bought one and lived there for thirty or forty years, and this area later became an expensive location. Then, somehow, the Taipei Arena was built here, and later the Taipei Dome was also built, both near my home. I thought this is a place for speeches and performances—maybe my son can give a speech here one day. Some people may say I'm crazy, but so what if I am? That's what I think.
Back to his treatment—he still can't speak today. I know that among children who receive early intervention such as speech therapy, psychological therapy, physical therapy, and occupational therapy, some gradually learn to speak before preschool. A colleague of mine was like that. Unfortunately, that colleague passed away a few years ago. She was a mother hundreds of times better than me. Her son couldn't speak for a long time, but later became very talkative and got good grades. Her daughter even attended the top English school. The two children I raised are ordinary—my younger son's grades at school are okay, but my eldest son still can't speak. I have always felt that I am not a very good mother at educating children, but I may be a bit special and quirky, often living in my own world and amusing myself.
Later, I discovered podcasts, and the first platform I knew about was Ximalaya. It was an accident. I have a great student named Steven who knows a lot of things. He told me about IG and that I could record voices to convey information. As for podcasts, I don't think it was him who told me—I accidentally heard about them on YouTube or the radio. Later, when I found Ximalaya's podcasts, I fell madly in love with them, and they were free at first.
I took my son to recite ancient Chinese texts because of my respected teacher, Venerable Jingkong. I have been listening to his lectures for many years, and he has always told us that children should learn ancient Chinese texts. Reciting ancient texts can calm the mind and cultivate wisdom. So even though my son can't speak, I have been taking him to recite scriptures and ancient texts for many years. In the scripture-reading class, he would crawl around, throw shoes downstairs, run to the toilet, or run outside to chase other children. After being brought back, he would continue the class. You really couldn't tell the meaning of his attending the class, but because I felt sorry for the teacher, I memorized a lot of ancient texts myself, such as "The Analects of Confucius," "Mencius," "The Great Learning," "The Doctrine of the Mean," "Thousand Character Classic," "Standards for Students," "Zhu Xi's Family Instructions," and "Three Hundred Tang Poems." But my son still didn't learn anything. However, I benefited a lot. Later, when writing articles, many ancient Chinese sentences would pop up in my mind. When encountering problems, this passage of ancient text could help me solve them, and that passage could give me strength. I think I was the biggest beneficiary.
Let's talk about another artistic treatment he received—music therapy. Once, I took him to Taipei Medical University Hospital, where they offer music therapy. It was very expensive—about over a thousand or two thousand yuan for 40 minutes or 30 minutes, which was a bit expensive for me. But later, I still wanted to give it a try, even if it was a last-ditch effort. During his first class, I could peek through the window to see what the teacher was doing with him. At first, he lay on the ground and ignored the teacher completely. Later, somehow, after the teacher said something to him, he suddenly got up and seemed to be listening carefully. However, I couldn't peek at all subsequent classes, and that was roughly how it went. The teacher later told me that at first, the child ignored him completely. Then he tried singing some songs and humming some melodies, and unexpectedly, the child was deeply attracted and began to like listening to the teacher sing. The teacher then used some musical instruments to attract his attention, and he started to be willing to interact with the teacher and successfully finished the class. So even though it was expensive, I decided to let him continue, and he took the class for a year. The reason we didn't continue later wasn't because it was too expensive, but because the teacher told me that the child no longer wanted to learn. I secretly peeked through the window and saw him lying on the ground for the entire 30-minute class, yet I still had to pay. I thought this was such a waste of money—he probably had enough fun and didn't want to learn anymore, so I ended the class.
Later, I met a respected teacher, Teacher Meixi. I feel that I have many noble people in my life, and among teachers, she is the one who touched me the most. She not only loves me with her abilities but also, I feel, with an important part of her life. Teacher Meixi is the wife of Teacher Shi, who is a somewhat well-known curator in Taiwan. He was my elementary school teacher and has served as the director of several important art museums, such as the Museum of Contemporary Art. I don't mean to talk about his background; I just feel very lucky to know such a teacher. My parents and he were colleagues at an elementary school, and he also worked as an elementary school teacher, always treating me kindly and caring for me. Even when my works weren't very good, he would come to visit my solo exhibitions, and his wife, Teacher Meixi, would come with him.
What touched me the most was once when I held the opening of my solo exhibition at the Fengjia Museum of Art and invited them. On that day, they not only came but also participated in the forum. Later, when I went to see him, he was holding a high-level art director position or a similar important role in an art institution like a gallery. When I passed by his place, I saw his schedule and found that the opening time of his exhibition there coincided with mine. At that time, I thought he was an important figure in that exhibition and should choose to attend his own opening instead of mine. But he ultimately chose to come to mine. I felt that this teacher was really extremely kind to me, and even his wife came with him. I really don't know what kind of blessing I have to deserve this. I have always been just a very ordinary person. I didn't study well, couldn't memorize books, and was even hit dozens of times by the teacher in junior high school. At home, I was always misplacing things, and my family didn't have much confidence in me, thinking that I would lose the child if I took him out. Even my mother-in-law, before she developed dementia, told my husband that she sadly found that I wasn't very smart.
Shortly after I married into their family, when my mother-in-law hadn't developed dementia yet, she told my husband this. I have been trying hard to figure out how she discovered it and what she observed. I can only think of one incident: once we went shopping at the Carrefour near our home (it closed down recently and had been open for many years). I was carrying a small green cloth handbag that I had just bought not long before. I went grocery shopping with them and put the bag in the big basket of the shopping cart while shopping. When it was almost time to check out, I suddenly saw another mother pushing a shopping cart in front of me. There was a green bag in the small basket on the front of her cart, and it looked familiar to me. When she was about to push it to the cash register, I couldn't help but ask politely: "Excuse me, miss, this green bag is...?" She told me: "I don't know. After I finished shopping, I turned around and found this bag in the basket. I don't know who put it there." I said: "Can I take a look?" She said yes. When I opened it, I found it was my bag. I quickly apologized and said: "Sorry, this is my bag." I felt very embarrassed at that time—how could I put my own bag in someone else's shopping cart and not even notice? Maybe it's because the bag was new and I was a bit confused.
keeping on latter

初探恐龍廢墟博物館-5First Visit to the Dinosaur Ruins Museum:孩子們的視角驚人：分享生命細節與非凡體驗.mp3

第五段
5.孩子們的視角驚人：分享生命細節與非凡體驗
當我結束這個驚奇連連的奇妙旅程，回到原先各自生活的既定軌道與工作日常，我忍不住將假期帶給我的種種感動，迫不及待地分享給每一位踏入教室的孩子。
當我描述大暴龍把小恐龍含在嘴中、成為石化永恆的精彩故事時，多數孩子的眼神中充滿熱烈的迴響。
突然，有一位同學舉手，認真地分享他的感受。
他說，他覺得那隻大暴龍是全世界最倒楣的恐龍——牠飢餓許久，好不容易捕捉到一隻小恐龍，卻還未咀嚼或吞下，就餓著肚子面臨死亡。
相比之下，那隻小恐龍才是全世界最幸運的恐龍——在即將被吞噬、撕裂，從世界上消失的短暫瞬間，它奇蹟般地毫髮無傷、完整保存至今。
他的童言童語妙趣橫生，幽默而深刻，令我不禁請全班同學給他最熱烈的鼓掌，同時我的心底也燃起極為炙烈的讚嘆。
此外，還有學生分享他們生活中奇特的經歷。不只一位，至少三位以上孩子談到，他們曾在夢中經歷過不同事件，清晨醒來後竟在當天的現實生活中真實重現，既驚訝又興奮，迫不及待地與我分享。
另有一位學生分享他自己的獨特體驗：有一次，他在泳池旁靜坐，突然感覺自己能觸碰到時間的河流。
在那一刻，他感受到同一個地方許多年前的完全不同樣貌——彷彿曾是一個熱鬧喧嘩的菜市場，場景與聲音歷歷在目。
後來，透過觀察與回憶他多次的創作，我發現他的作品中確實隱含著過去時間元素的線索。
聽著孩子們的分享，我深深感受到他們對生命細節的敏銳與好奇，以及那份純淨、尚未被世俗污染的心靈，使他們能從日常察覺到超越時空的非凡體驗。
在某種角度上看，他們才是真正教導我的老師。
After concluding this extraordinary and wonder-filled journey, I returned to our usual routines and workdays, yet I could not help but share the myriad emotions the holiday had given me with every child who stepped into my classroom. As I recounted the thrilling story of the Tyrannosaurus holding a small dinosaur in its mouth, frozen in eternal petrification, most of the children’s eyes reflected intense engagement and excitement. Suddenly, one student raised his hand and earnestly shared his feelings. He said he thought the big Tyrannosaurus was the unluckiest dinosaur in the world—it had been hungry for so long, finally caught a small dinosaur, but before it could even chew or swallow it, it faced death with an empty stomach. In contrast, the small dinosaur was the luckiest dinosaur in the world—in the brief moment before being devoured and torn apart, disappearing from the world, it miraculously remained completely intact, unscathed.
His childlike words were witty yet profound, prompting me to ask the entire class to give him the warmest applause, while my own heart was ignited with intense admiration.
Additionally, other students shared their own unusual life experiences. More than three of them mentioned that they had experienced various events in their dreams, which astonishingly came true in reality on the very same morning, leaving them both surprised and excited, eager to share with me.
Another student shared a unique personal experience: once, while sitting quietly by the pool, he suddenly felt he could touch the river of time. In that moment, he perceived the same place as it had appeared many years ago—like a bustling and noisy market, with the sights and sounds vividly alive. Later, by observing and recalling his multiple creative works, I noticed that his pieces indeed contained subtle traces of past time.
Listening to these stories, I deeply felt the children’s keen sensitivity to the details of life and their curiosity, as well as the purity of their hearts, untainted by worldly concerns, which allows them to perceive extraordinary experiences beyond time. In many ways, they are the true teachers guiding me.

參觀恐龍廢墟博物館-4 與館長的奇蹟巧遇：虔敬、信任與親切交流 A Journey That Originally Wasn’t Mine-4. 與館長的奇蹟巧遇：虔敬、信任與親切交流.mp3

第四段
4. 與館長的奇蹟巧遇：虔敬、信任與親切交流
在參觀展覽後，我得知館長楊劍鵬（Robert Y）原本在館內，但此刻已外出。
我心中充滿期待與敬畏，因為入館時曾向館員透露想見館長一面。
當我們看完展覽、剛坐下點了飲料休息時，意外看到館員帶著館長向我們走來。
那一瞬間，我本能地舉起雙手觸摸臉頰，心因激動而微顫——從未想過能親眼見到這位我一直認為一生難遇的人，他竟如此熱情地走向我們。
最初激動讓語言凝結，但當回過神後，我在短短兩三分鐘內，把腦海中交疊累積的震撼與感動，一氣呵成地向他表達。
館長專注地聆聽，話語不多，卻句句真誠。
他敏銳捕捉到我們身上藝術家的氣息與我純正客家血統的文化根源。
我驚訝萬分，問他怎麼辦到的，他說是嗅到的氣息。
他簡單分享自己的人生：獨自拉著沉重行李箱，艱辛走遍八十多個國家，有些國家甚至多次出入。他說：「真的很辛苦，很不容易。」這句話他反覆提及，聲音中充滿真摯的沉重。
隨後，他從口袋拿出四張名片，大方地分給我們一家四口，即便是讀小學的小兒子與重度自閉、無語言的大兒子也不例外。
大兒子撇開臉不理，我向館長解釋孩子的狀況，他微笑著收回名片，展現出深不可測的智慧與包容。
我詢問能否將親手製作的紫雲膏送給他，他欣然同意。
由於膏在先生的車上，我請他稍候並幫忙看管孩子，由先生帶我取回。
回到座位時，小兒子開心地把玩館長帶他們挑選的兩顆石頭——一綠一藍，比50元硬幣還大，他告訴我那是館長送給他們的禮物。
館長接過紫雲膏後仔細端詳，塗了一小塊在手上，說感覺很舒服，輕揉幾下。
隨後，他立刻跑去櫃檯，請員工準備兩杯檸檬汁熱情招待我們。
他接著在手機上搜尋，將自己珍貴的私人手機交到我手上。裡面有多部英文影片，介紹暴龍與館內生命線索產物，由他與德國女婿合作製作。
我仔細觀看每支影片，心跳加速——這是一份極大的信任。
他讓我透過他的視角，看見博物館每件收藏，多能流露自然卻獨特的具體生命姿態，與富含生命線索、聚沙成塔的時間厚度，共同依偎在守護者的虔敬之下。
握著手機時，我小心翼翼，生怕摔落或被孩子弄倒飲料——畢竟損毀館長手機並非我們普通人可以承擔的損失。
即使先生提醒館內無素食，我也不忍貿然中斷。
最後，我趕緊與還在櫃檯張羅的館長告別，他驚訝說：「妳看完了嗎？這麼快要走了？」
我點頭，心懷感恩地歸還手機。匆匆告別中，我們竟忘了合照。
看見他對紫雲膏的喜愛與真心款待，我離開前詢問：「如果喜歡，我可再寄一些給您與家人使用？」
館長笑著說：「直接加 LINE 會更方便。」我笨拙地操作好一會兒，終於成功加上他。
回程路上，孩子們一路把玩那兩顆漂亮的石頭；後來上 Google 查詢，一顆是東陵石，一顆是和田玉——帶著歷史氣息的珍寶。

初探恐龍廢墟-3：藝術與化石的對話：邱啟敬與長毛象的自在混搭3. Dialogue Between Art and Fossils: Chiu Chi-Ching and the Woolly Mammoth’s Free-Form Mix.mp3

3. Dialogue Between Art and Fossils: Chiu Chi-Ching and the Woolly Mammoth's Free-Form Mix
Among the artworks, the pieces by Chinese sculptor Chiu Chi-Ching stood out.
He is a rare contemporary sculptor fully devoted to his craft, focused and admirable.
His works are invaluable, not only for their form and concept but also for their use of extremely precious materials, such as rare gemstones and special jade, perfectly integrated with artistic vision.
The curator owns most of Chiu Chi-Ching’s works and fully understands their extraordinary significance.
The museum also houses a full-sized, well-preserved woolly mammoth fossil.
I noticed the curator treated it with great care. Photos shared by the curator showed ice placed around the mammoth, reflecting that the museum was originally converted from a large freezer.
Although lacking permanent freezing equipment, the fossil survived tens of millions of years in ice, remaining intact.
The exhibition also included driftwood sculptures and collaborative works between the curator Robert Y and artists.
Every piece harmonized with the fossils, creating a unique yet coherent scene blending ancient life and contemporary creativity.
The Tyrannosaurus skeleton details were remarkable—the finger joints were supported with fine U-shaped steel, suspended in the air; other parts, like the skull and teeth, used different structures and welding methods, thoroughly documented with photos.
These meticulous processes not only show the weight of fossils across billions of years but also the curator’s countless hours of focus and reverence.
Each sculpture, each fossil seemed intentionally transported through time, silently telling stories of life, craft, and guardianship.

初探恐龍廢墟-2恐龍廢墟博物館奇觀：紫水晶牆、白玉絮語、化石故事與創意雕塑A Journey That Originally Wasn’t Mine-2.mp3

第二段
2. 博物館奇觀：紫水晶牆、白玉絮語、化石故事與創意雕塑
進入博物館後，我們首先經過幾件以人本為主的當代雕塑作品。
這些雕塑都以人物形象為核心，再延伸出極具創意的結構，富含精緻細膩的藝術語言。透過這些雕塑，我彷彿被引導進入另一個空間，準備迎接更加壯闊的展覽。
當我們跨入這個空間後，首先映入眼簾的是一整面覆蓋紫水晶的牆。
每一塊紫水晶的尺寸可能有四十公分以上，有的鑲嵌在石頭中，有的則如爆炸般自然裂開、如花朵般綻放，數十塊水晶拼湊成一面巨大的牆面，從中流動出強烈的能量，給整個空間帶來壯闊且震撼的氛圍。
在紫水晶牆的入口側，展示著一座翠玉白菜雕塑。
它的尺寸估計是故宮翠玉白菜的十倍左右，旁邊有個木牌標示，文字寫著：
「我們幾乎靠著無知，才能繼續活下去。
Robert Y 1911.9.30.」
這短短文字，每個字都重重刻在我的心裡，一直在反覆參透之間迴盪！
這座翠玉白菜，與周圍空間與文字意境彼此呼應，讓我感受到一種跨越時空的寧靜與敬畏。
此外，展場中還有漂浮木自然成型的雕塑，以及以各式天然寶石、漂浮木、珍貴木材製作的珍奇座椅。
這些座椅整齊排列在暴龍化石周圍，除了材質特殊，且一一標價驚人，記得有一把約三十幾萬。館員邀請我們可以試坐，我坐在最貴的一把上，大約三秒鐘，就感受到木石本身的芳華雍容與產生敬畏。
展場內陳列兩具暴龍化石，其中一具是擬真度極高的贗品，另一具完整骨骼的化石外貌，足以辨識真偽。
來自真實暴龍化石的手部骨節，使用 U 型鋼架托高，每個關節都精準懸浮在原始位置之上，骨與骨之間僅以空氣隔開，呈現脆弱而真實的懸浮感；其他部位如頭骨、牙齒則採用不同的焊接與支撐方式，拍照有詳細記錄。
這些化石與雕塑交織在一起，宛如遠古生命與當代創意的巧妙對話。
整個空間中，每一件作品、每一片骨骼都散發出非凡的力量與存在感，令人深深震撼。
2. Museum Wonders: The Amethyst Wall, Jade Whispers, and Creative Sculptures
After entering the museum, we first passed several contemporary sculptures focusing on the human figure.
These sculptures center on human forms and extend into highly creative structures, full of refined artistic language. Through them, I felt guided into another space, ready for the grander exhibits.
Upon stepping into the exhibition space, the first thing I saw was a wall entirely covered with amethyst.
Each crystal was possibly over forty centimeters in size; some embedded in stone, others naturally fractured like blooming flowers.
Dozens of crystals formed a gigantic wall, exuding strong energy and giving the entire space a grand and awe-inspiring atmosphere.
At the side of the amethyst wall stood a jade cabbage sculpture.
Its size was estimated to be about ten times that of the famous Jadeite Cabbage in the Palace Museum. A wooden plaque beside it read:
"We almost survive through ignorance.
Robert Y 1911.9.30."
These few words were deeply etched in my mind, echoing as I pondered them repeatedly!
The jade cabbage harmonized with the surrounding space and words, giving me a sense of timeless tranquility and reverence.
Additionally, the exhibition featured floating wooden sculptures and curious chairs made from various gemstones, driftwood, and precious woods.
These chairs were neatly arranged around the Tyrannosaurus fossils, each with a staggering price tag, one around three hundred thousand. Museum staff invited us to try sitting, and I sat on the most expensive one—after only about three seconds, I felt the dignified presence and awe of the wood and stone.
The exhibition displayed two Tyrannosaurus fossils, one highly realistic replica, and one complete skeleton.
The real fossil’s hand bones were suspended with U-shaped steel supports, each joint precisely held in its original position, only separated by air, creating a fragile yet realistic suspension; other parts, like the skull and teeth, used different welding and support methods, with detailed photography.
These fossils and sculptures intertwined, like a dialogue between ancient life and contemporary creativity.
Every piece, every bone exuded extraordinary power and presence, leaving me deeply moved.